I had this best friend.
His name was Nick.
I was 4, he was 6.
We would see each other every day, due to the fact our parents were friends.
We grew up together.
He always knew how to put a smile on my face.
He would look at me all serious like with his light blue shimmering eyes,
smile, and then tickle me. I hate being tickled. But when he did it, I didn't mind.
He was so happy natured. Spontanious. Infactuating you could say.
There was always a smile on his face, and his brown, shiny hair would always flip to the side. He was just as great in personality as you'd imagine in looks. He'd sing terribly to make me laugh, he'd tell corny jokes, he'd make funny faces.
Well, at a young age, he became my "boyfriend." By that I mean:
we were nine, and didn't know what to think of it.
At first we acted just like kids would. Confused.
Then, he turned into the greatest person ever, as if he wasn't already. He became my priority. The sweet things he'd do would leave me to feel amaing all day. He gave me a high nothing else could. He wrote me notes, he'd come over with food, he'd visit me by surprise, he'd tell me how pretty I am when I was looking my worst, he'd come over and have movie days all day long when I was sick, he'd even blow off school when I was sick, to stay home with me so I wouldn't be lonely. We'd have sleepovers. Our parents didn't care, we grew up together. We never did anything. We took cute pictures, we acted just generally amaing toward each other. We didn't get in many fights. When we did, he wouldn't leave when I told him to. He'd stay and hug me through it. He'd make me whole again when I was broken inside. The time came around where it had to end. I still had huge feelings for him. I loved him. The thing is, I loved him as my best friend. So much more than what he was. Friendship is powerful. He seemed okay with it.
December 15th, 2012,
he sent me a text message, asking me out again.
I said no. It was best if we were friends.
He told me he loved me more than anything literally and truly.
I told him the same, but as my best friend. What he'd been since we were little kids.
He sent me another text.
I'll never forget it.
"I wish I was worthy enough for your love, but if I can't have that, what in my life is great, I don't know. I guess this is goodbye. I can't stand to be nothing more than what I was so many years ago when you mean so much more to me. It kills me. I love you, Jenna." I have it saved. I thought our friendship was over. More than that was over little did I know. December 16th, 2012.
I heard a knock on my door and opened it not expecting to hear what I dread so much all of my days. My best friend, Nicholouis Fiallos, killed himself. I was devistated. My friend, Lexy, was there to help me, but I was so much more hurt than I appeared. I couldn't at all take it. I didn't think it was my fault at first, but then I read his suicide note. I couldn't believe what I was reading. it was my fault. All my fault. Tears poured down my face and that day was the most horrible day in my life. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't laugh without having so much pain behind it. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror I was burried with so much shame. It was the first time I'd cut in months. I was horrified of myself. He meant the world to me. So much more than what I meant to him. I just wish I could tell him that. I wish he knew that now. I want him back in my life. Not as a boyfriend, as my best friend. The one who I used to have. The one who was the greatest gift I could get. The one I looked up to. I want his hugs back. His smell on my clothes. His random visits. Us hanging out and laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. I want it all back. Because I miss him more than anything in the world. It hurts so much still. The pain hasn't lightened up. I think about him, and try to smile at our memories, but it hurts. I need him back. I wake up sometimes and still can't believe he's gone. Sometimes I find myself calling his number, expecting him to answer and tell me it was all a joke. I want to hit him for it, and laugh back on it later, like we always did. I want his ringtone to play on my phone. I want him back. I want everything back. The way it was before. I miss him. So, so much.
I have this best friend.
He's looking down on me and smiling at me every day. He loves me still.
fadedl0v3r