So, I was in Biology class today (keep in mind I do cyber school) and my teacher sent out an email that she had sent out earlier again. I forgot the microphone was on and I just said in a really stupid, Faith like voice "Well, I think you already sent that. Why don't you go make better use of your time, eh?" Everybody got really quiet and I had to apologize. But it was worth it. Oh so worth it.
So there was this one time when I was at a party over my sister's house. It was just friends and sibings and cousins. No parents were there. I was the youngest one. They had on this awesome playlist and the song Beverly Hills by Wheezer cam on which is one of my favorite songs. And so I see this guy who is chilling in the corner mouthing the lyrics. We stare at each other for a few seconds then he walks over to me and we strart rocking out. I kid you not. It's on video. It is singlehandedly one of the most embrarasing things ever and yet one of themost awesome things ever. We weren't just singing though. We were dancing. Words can't describe how amazing it was....
When the days are cold And the cards all fold And the saints we see Are all made of gold When your dreams all fail And the ones we hail Are the worst of all And the blood’s run stale I wanna hide the truth I wanna shelter you But with the beast inside There’s nowhere we can hide No matter what we breed We still are made of greed This is my kingdom come This is my kingdom come When you feel my heat Look into my eyes It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide Don’t get too close It’s dark inside It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide Curtain’s call Is the last of all When the lights fade out All the sinners crawl So they dug your grave And the masquerade Will come calling out At the mess you've made
Don't wanna let you down But I am hell bound Though this is all for you Don't wanna hide the truth No matter what we breed We still are made of greed This is my kingdom come This is my kingdom come When you feel my heat Look into my eyes It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide Don’t get too close It’s dark inside It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide They say it's what you make I say it's up to fate It's woven in my soul I need to let you go Your eyes, they shine so bright I wanna save that light I can't escape this now Unless you show me how When you feel my heat Look into my eyes It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide Don’t get too close It’s dark inside It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide
So much has changed between us. I used to feel bad ending conversations. This is a quote from an actual conversation we had a few months ago: Me: "Okay, well I guess I will let you go." Him: "No, you don't have to." Me: "Well, I feel bad we are just talking about movies." Him: "Please. Don't. I like talking to you."
I think I'm going to do it you guys. Everything has been really rough lately and I honestly don;t know if I can handle it anymore. High school sucks. I got something thrown at me the other day in fron tof half the school. I just can't do it. I feel like my life is crumbling in fron tof my eyes and I don't know how to re-build it. Who would want to be friends with the fat, ugly girl anyway, right? I would be doing everybody a service, right?
Me: *send him the song Falling For You by Colbie Callet* Him: Umm… Me: Sorry, I just needed to tell you Him: Can I talk to you in person about this? Like tomorrow? Me: Sure. Him: Unless you want to talk now. Me: It's up to you. I'm good either way. Him: No, no, no, it’s up to you. Me: Could we talk now? Him: Alright, if you want to. Me: Okay. Him: So where should I start? Me: Wherever you would like. Him: I really don’t know where to start though. Me: Ummm how about your reaction when you read it? Him: Well… Me: What? Please be completely honest with me. Him: Ok honest you asked for it; Look Faith you're an awesome girl with a great sense of humor, I like that, And I'm being completely true when I say this that it hurts me just as much as it hurts you when I say that I don’t know if I'm as into you as you are to me… You might say you're fine with it but I know you're not Faith… I know you and I know the way you keep things inside to make sure you don’t hurt anybody else and I just want you to know you don’t need to do that with me. You can be completely honest with me. I know it hurts, so I just want to say I'm sorry.. I'm really truly sorry Me: It's fine. I asked for the truth and the truth is what I got. I didn't want you to sugar coat it. Just promise me one thing? Him: Anything Me: That we can still be friends and pretend this never happened. I don't want this to ruin our friendship. Him: Don't worry it won't I swear to God Me: Thank you and I'm really sorry Him: No, I’m sorry. Me: It’s all good. So this is how the conversation went when I tried to tell the guy I liked that I liked him. He really is am amazing guy. You know, this is going to sound corney but as much as this hurt me, if this made him happy then I guess I am happy also.
Today, my English teacher was going all mushy gushy on us and he was talking about our futures and how he wants us to do well. He said "I cared about you before you walked in this door on the first day. Now, I don't just care about you, I love you. You guys are like my children and I will do anything for my children." He then saw some scars on people's wrists. He said "I want you all to promise me that you will stay alive until you die of a natural death. Please do not take your life. There is honestly nothing more heart breaking to me then when I hear somebody took their own life. I understand what you are going through. Believe me, I do." He then pulled up his sleeves and revealed his scars. Then, he told us the story of how he tried to take his own life when he was in high school and that he relly truly does regret it.
I am in love with my Italian teacher. I was a little late to class today because I got lost and he let me in and he showed me my seat. Then, he introduced me to the wole class and had about a 5 minute conversation with me. And he told me I had great taste in books and music. Then he went on a rant saying he doesn't get why pretty girls wear makeup. He thinks it makes them looks less pretty. He then walked me to my next class to make sure I got there all right. He also has AMAZING taste in music. He plays guitar. He LOVES reading. He is Italian. He likes to cook and make things. And ohmygod he is just amazing.
I got a genuine compliment from my cousins the other day. This doesn't sound like a big deal but they never give compliments and when they do they are very genuine. They told me I looked good the other day! You guys! I got a compliment from guys!
The other day, some of my family members and I were talking and for some reason we got on the topic of owning a dog. One of my cousins said "Why do we even get dogs? Do we get them just to watch them die?" I then responded with "Well, that is like saying why do you have children." Then everyone said I went too deep. And that I was going to be a writer or something. That is my story.
Isn't it weird to think that it is just a matter of time before you are dead. I mean we are all going to die. That is inevitable but it will almost be as if we were never here. We say we all strive to be remembered but how do you remain remembered? How do you make it so that your time here was not a complete waste? Think about it. After you die, people are upset for a bit but they move on. Stories may be told abiut you but they will get twisted. As everything does. There will come a day when your name is mentioned in conversation and the person who you loved the most. Possibly even the person who loved you the most may forget about you. You will become a distant memory and after some time you may never be spoken about again. As if your existince was worthless.
I had a really odd dream last night. Somebody was trying to kill my cousins and I for some reason. And out of the blue I started going all deep and saying "They tell you that you will live until you are old but what if you don't. What if you die young?" And uh...yeah. Just thought I would share that...