PLEASE READ. MY TRUE STORY
I'm sitting here in the dark with music on behind me.
Thinking.
Remembering.
Or trying to remember, anyway, what it was like before.
When every move I made was crippled by pain. Breathing hurt, some days. I certainly couldn't have carried the heavy backpack that school requires now. It was pure agony just to sit up straight, some days. Most days.
My good days were when I could almost be touched on the shoulder without flinching.
Hardly anyone knew, though. I kept my pain to myself. This disease, Fibromyalgia, they called it. Juvenile. It was never going to go away; no cure, no medicine for youth, no relief. Ever.
And I accepted it, mostly. I told myself, "It's my burden to bear. It'll make me a better person."
And for a while, it did. although it was torture, although it was agony, I accepted it.
The Bible says, "Ask and you shall receive." And "God wants to give you the desires of your heart."
But I locked it away. Somewhere deep, deep inside, I wanted to be healed. I did. So badly. But I never, EVER, let myself consider it.
Because I was terrified. I was afraid He wouldn't heal me, or couldn't. I was afraid I'd be like this the rest of my life. I was absolutely terrified that I would never remember what it was like to NOT be in pain.
And then camp came.
And I shared my testimony. I talked about how it was my "burden", and that I had accepted how I'd been like this all my life and I would be for the rest of it.
Amber stopped me there.
She told me, "Don't you say that, ever. You can be healed."
And inside, I flinched. I tried to protest, tried to say, "Yeah, I know, I didn't mean it,"
But I did. Because I hadn't even let myself consider it.
They put me in the center of small group, and they prayed for me.
Erin shared her testimony, about how she'd been healed.
And I finally broke. A tiny part of me couldn't help it. It couldn't help but hope that I could be healed, too. The tears flowed fast and hot, and I couldn't help it. I couldn't keep them away. Hope grew inside me, so painful, so dangerous. But it was there. Tiny. Like a mustard seed.
One night later, we were worshiping. People were speaking in tongues, crying, laughing, dancing. It was beautiful.
And I was still afraid.
But Heather told me God wanted me to worship like never before, to dance and sing for Him, because He wanted to heal me.
So I did. I really worshiped.
And I let my hope loose. I stopped holding it back. I was praying, I was crying, I was singing.
I realized it was the desire of my heart. I was shouting hysterically.
"God, you said you would give me the desires of my heart, and I want to be healed! I WANT TO BE HEALED!"
I was weeping.
Time blurred together, How long we were there, I don't know. Minutes, hours.
But a tingling began in my spine and my back.
My back, where I'd felt nothing but pain for years.
Tingling.
And this very odd sensation.
I couldn't figure it out, at first. I was dumbfounded. I stopped singing and rolled my shoulders, standing there, so curious.
I kept twisting my torso around and rolling my shoulders.
And when I figured it out, I began to laugh. Loudly. Insanely.
I was overcome with joy.
Because the odd sensation, the one I couldn't understand, was the feeling of NOT BEING IN PAIN.
It was the beauty of nothing, where once there had been agony.
My friends, everyone surrounding me, were baffled at first. They couldn't tell if I was laughing or crying.
I finally told my best friend that I couldn't feel anything. And she hugged me, and said, "That's how it's supposed to be."
I was laughing and crying and overcome.
After another hour of worship and crying and rolling my shoulders, someone finally told the Pastor and his wife. They had someone gain the stage again, and announce that "There has been physical healing this night."
The youth group raised a tumultuous cheer, and I felt dizzy with delight.
Ever since, ever since, I tell you, I have been 100% pain free.
Free from the agony. From the pain like lava and broken glass.
I can go bowling. I can go kayaking. I can rollerblade the way I love for FOUR HOURS. I can carry my backpack. I can run and stretch and exercise, ALL WITHOUT PAIN.
Ever since, I have been deliriously in love and grateful to our God, who took my nearly non-existent faith and fear, and planted a mustard seed. <3
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