To you, in 10 awkward (trying to) explainations of how you loved me.
1) You loved me despite knowing, I was a stick of TNT lit by two ends.
But you did because you loved thunderstorms. I could've described
the ways the sun and the moon collide, falling in love and how the sky
bends exploding into pieces and falling into the ocean like Ouranos.
The way my tears streamed down my cheeks, and the loud cry.
2) We first met when your mountain like jaw unhinged, living like
uphills and tumbling down for the downhills. The first words, letters
and numbers exchanged. In ways, we loved with words. In ways, I wish
I could've explained in person, how sometimes the starts explodes like
fireworks and how my heart start to beat whenever you talked to me.
3) I still don't get why you love thunderstorms.
4) I've read books, so many books that were sad. Books that made my heart
pour out it's own colours, but I've never read anything so sad as your eyes
lead me to fall for you. Sad eyes, and your smiles could give me pockets fill
-ed with your hopes and dreams that seem so fragile now.
5) I know your favourite place is in her world, and I am the souvenier shop
you'd often come by searching photographs of memories, hoping to find
people who had missed you. Sometimes, I feel as I am standing on the edge
of the docks and slowly falling into the ocean of your eyes. Tempted to drown.
6) You loved thunderstorms because it was the sound of your first heartbreak.
Something you never can forget and forgive cause it was a reminder every time,
the sky exploded into million pieces of her smile, and the colour of her eyes.
7) I have ripped parts of you out of my smile. So no one would suspect, that
I smiled for you. That's why I have a scar on my lip, I ripped parts of you out
of me so many times, my body is filled with invisible scars. I have bleed myself
out, so the pieces you left in me was gone. I have never felt so empty in my life.
8) I gave you the pieces of me. I let myself be swallowed down like a pill, in
shame. I was hidden away like the dark secrets in the back of your head.
9)"My mother taught me, if you repeat something over and over again
it loses it's own meaning." My favourite poet tells everyone this and I
realize nothing lasts forever. Loving you every day, waking up and waking
up to the words of heartbreak. I thought if I repeated your name over and over..
I would get the taste of it off my tongue, but I was wrong.
10) I think I've died many deaths for you-the last death was 3 months ago.
When the moon kissed the sun, collided together hoping their goodbyes
will end cause I've been stuck pondering on a thought and myy lips has been
dry, all the beauty stripped out of the world. I was stripped from the colours
of my soul. 3 months ago, I fell in love with a soul with the colour dark blue,
his arms swallowed me, like the waves of the oceans at night. You grew flowers
in my lungs, and it is harder to breathe because those burning trees are in me too.
10 awkward explanations to why you loved me, yet how you left.
Sweden*