I saw this in my best friend's diary today. She attempted suicide.
''I don’t get it.
I just don’t get anything anymore.
What are we? Friends, good friends, crushes?
Or are we nothing at all?
Are we seriously just friends for a little amount of time, till you get tired of talking to me again?
Everything is changing again.
We’ve been talking less and less, again. There aren’t any interesting conversations between us, I never get butterflies in my stomach anymore.
It hurts.
So much.
Yet again, I’m always the first one starting the conversation.
You always take 20 minutes minimal to reply to my texts.
The hugs you give don’t feel like they used to. It’s like you force yourself to hug me, not feeling like it. It’s like you just keep talking with me just to not make me upset, not that you want to.
Sometimes,I feel like I’m such a bother to you.
I was just ready to tell you what I feel,
Now I don’t have the guts to do so anymore.
I feel like I’m the only one feeling this way, I feel used, as a reserve toy when you have nobody else to talk with. But, when you have someone else, I’m nearly as useless as a plastic bag when it has a big hole.
I woke up with a smile with my face everyday, hoping for you to text me goodmorning. Month ago, you still used to do it. You missed me every hour I wasn’t able to talk to you, I had given many random hugs, just out of nowhere. I got them much, and it felt amazing. It felt like I’m in heaven, and you were the angel there. But now..
Everything that’s left is just.. some simple hugs. They don’t mean anything to you anymore. They are just useless hugs. They don’t make you feel better, they don’t make you feel weird inside. They mean absolutely nothing now. A waste of time, I’d say.
I don’t preach to my phone every mornings anymore, cause I know you haven’t texted me anything. I go all gloomy to school, meet my best friend and feel better for a short amount of time. But you cross my mind alot, and everytime you do, my mood changes slightly. I feel..empty.
Like I’ve been abandoned yet again.
Am I seriously such a empty place you can just toss around?
One day, you give me kisses, you spend the whole day with me, not caring about anything else. After a few more days, I’m nothing anymore. I’m just a random person, that is being annoying and that keeps texting you.
Well, I’m sorry for feeling way differently than you do.
I’m sorry for caring, I’m sorry that I wanna hear you and talk to you. I’m sorry for missing you, and I’m sorry for begging you to stay late up at night so I could talk to you more.
I’m sorry for caring about what we are gonna be.
I’m sorry for wondering about things we would never do anyway.
Sorry for hoping for you to change back to as we used to be…
We used to be so matching.
We knew it ourselves.
We knew we were fit for eachother.
We spent days, nights, no matter where we were, talking to eachother.
We kept having interesting conversations, we weren’t afraid of telling eachother anything.
We enjoyed eachother’s company. We made eachother laugh.
We usually went to bed with a smile.
We used to be so.. comfortable around each other, but what is it now?
Sometimes you leave without saying goodnight, or giving me a hug.
Sometimes You just..act so selfish. Like you don’t care anymore.
Like..I’m nothing.
You’ve changed. You’ve changed so slightly…
It doesn’t feel right anymore.
I usually get lost in the talks we used to have.
When I remember them, I have tears in my eyes.
It just hurts, knowing that you will never act the same.
Knowing that you don’t feel like that anymore, that everything you used to say isn’t what you ment anymore.
Maybe those were just white lies.
I have tears in my eyes, knowing that nothing is like it used to be.
I have my tears in my eyes, when I remember the memories, that around this time o’clock we used to sit together and just be lost in eachother’s eyes..
I just know
That I will never be ♥ again.
That you will never make me feel the same way as you used to..
That I might never have my heart feel complete…….
I know that I’m not the one to stand besides you.
You don’t want me to be the one.
I’m so sorry for falling for you.
I’m sorry for having my hopes up..
I’m sorry for thinking I’m good enough.
I’m really sorry to be such a bother.
It’s so hard for me to forget you..
It’s hard to forget everything we used to be.
Everything we used to do, everything we used to talk about.
It’s never gonna happen anymore.
I guess beautiful things don’t happen twice with the same persons.
I just can’t
Talk with you properly anymore.
I just can’t do it.
It’s too hard for me to keep on pretending like I’m all okay with what we are..
We were so much better than that before.
I want it to be that way again.
Why?
What have we become…..
We could be so much better together.
We could feel much more than what we feel now.
Everything could be alright.''