PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5797182
Alright, here goes.
The first thing that jumps out at me is your use of paragraphs. The lack of them to be more exact. Now while you may say that because it's the same speaker you don't need to go to a new line you forget that you also go to a new paragraph when the subject changes slightly.

Your construction of sentences is a little off too. Instead of [The people in the audience had jaws dropped, so I looked away. Hiding my tears.] you could put [The people in the audience had their jaws dropped so I looked away to hide my tears.] The 'Hiding my tears sentence', yeah, that's not a sentence to be left on it's own.

My main note, keep an eye on your tenses. You've gone to [I looked away] to [I know what they'll ask] I'll make my corrections in past tense because that seems to make the story flow.

The first passage of speech you've used here is rather confusing. Who's speaking? Is it the main character? How are they saying it? What are they speaking about? I'd suggest putting something like 'I concluded' or something at the end so it flows better.

There are a couple of spelling errors like [knw] which should be [know]. Also, no one says '&' they say and. Make sure you remember that. It's like when someone says a number, it's not ["8!" she called.] it's ["Eight!" she called.]

One sentence which sounds a little confusing is this one. [But I know what they would ask, their thoughts scattered through their mind like a messy drawer.] Maybe you meant to use a semi-colon here or something. [But I knew what they would ask; their questions and thoughts scattered through their mind like a messy drawer] would make a tad more sense. But still, it's something you may want to revise on.

["WHO?" My mind wandered everywhere, deciding who to call on. So I called on him, and he spoke calmy, "who?" I questioned whether to respond for a moment, but I did. I spoke into the microphone, "my dad..." Hands went down and tears began to stream. NO more hiding the past & the truth...] This bit confused me the most. Maybe instead of [So I called on him] you make a more accurate description of the person. Who is he?

All in all, I can see what you're trying to do here and I understand the amount of effort you're putting in but do try to make it so anyone could understand it. It's a good story, it really is, but it's ever so confusing. And you really do have potential to get better at writing.

I had a go at correcting some of the mistakes on this Google document so if you'd like to have a look at what I'm going to be pushing for you to get at then please take a look.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/19yswxo6JcYJoT2KJQGomcbzPYdH5knscFOH85SrhX5M/edit?pli=1
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5732363
If I could, I'd give this a hundred more faves.
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5650492
OHMYGOSHICAN'TEVENSNDLKJFLSJ

Literally fell out of my seat laughing - that may just be because I'm easy to humor. lolol
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5643519
I laughed a little too much at this I think. llololo
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5523148
Permafrost - Laurena
it is pure perfection asdjlkaj
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5518085
pretend you're eating a banana




wait no
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5513049
he's been upstaged by everyone else

I'm imagining that 'cover the night' thing to be one man sticking ten posters on his house.
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5157583
LET ME PRAISE YOU WITH CAPITAL LETTERS FOR THIS QUOTE.
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5511346
If you are over the age of 13, you need to get off Witty Profiles. You are not supposed to be here or tumblr or Facebook. Go study, meet up with your friends or watch Glee.
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5511820
"He likes a boy in uniform, school uniform."
This song came to mind automatically - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7ClVJAPMSo
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5506869
Woahowahowah.
Don't let anyone tell you to do or not do the abortion. First off, tell your parents: this is extremely important.

Now, you need to calm down and think things through. Think about the life you may or may not be able to give the baby. Think about your body and how it will handle things like this. Think about the affects it will have on your life.

Now, abortion is not murder. It simply isn't. I tell you this because if you go through with an abortion you will have the guilt of 'murder' following you around forever. The baby won't b sad for being aborted, the baby won't be alive to have feelings. The abortion is not your fault.

If you don't get an abortion then you'll have to go through the struggles of being a teenage mother, and that's not going to be an easy thing. This baby could have quite a negative affect on your life.

What I'd suggest, and it may be quite an unpopular opinion, is having the abortion and moving on with things. Get a good mark in school and be that admirable person. Then you could have a child with someone you feel right with and be a better mother than you could be now.

This isn't just the baby's life you have to think about, this is yours.
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5505917
One complaint, don't say 'actual GOOD music' as (bringing in your comparison of music and religion) is like saying some of us care for the 'actual god' or are in the 'actual true religion' when that's clearly wrong too.

Next time you might just want to read up on what you're typing to check it can't be taken in the wrong way.
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5497495
Unless some of them file for divorce and re-marry a few times~
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5491382
Why'd I remember it when I can look forward to it?

I cannot sit still while waiting for Animal Crossing 3DS
ASHKJDHAS
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5454079
I'm totally /not/ laughing at the amount of people you'll (and whoever else may be helping you) have to go through. Okay I am.
Anyway, best of luck with this thingy that you're doing.
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5451336
Sounds interesting, but also confusing. Chances are, I'd mess up at every possible point.
ololol.
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5449333
My main organs.
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5438767
"I loved that TV show until they brought in that boring new cast."
"I loved the colour orange but then I thought that blue was much better."

-cough. Nice logic you've got there. -cough.
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5437818
... -cough. me. v
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PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago on quote 5422021
Yes, because us boys love to write 'WITTY GIRL' on our arms.
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