confession #209
i just feel like writing.
lately, my thoughts are becoming jumbled together. they start out somewhere, and they flow for awhile. then they mix in with others and my mind starts to race. i think about so many different things. sometimes it's about how i can better myself. how i can make myself a better person. etc. then i realize i'll always be a bad person, and i switch to a different topic. i look at my wrists, and see the burns. i look at my hips, and see the scars. i look at my stomach, and see the bruises. sometimes i wonder where it all went wrong. i think of my uncle, and how he's never coming back. right now i'm reading the lovely bones, and i wonder if he watches me. i wonder if he's with me when i'm feeling alone. i wonder if he's with me in a room full of crowded people. sometimes i think i see him somewhere. i see his big red basketball shirt, and his spiky black hair. then i realize it's just some stranger and i'm dumb for thinking i could ever possibly see him. then i think of school. it's not as easy as it used to be. things aren't as easy for me. even when i try my hardest, i end up giving up anyway. when i think about school, my mind goes to lunch. how she barely ate today. how she had so many more hair ties. i wonder if she saw me staring at them in disgust while she was talking to me. i look from her eyes to her wrist, and then look away because i can't take it anymore. i think about cutting my own wrists. i could easily cover them up with hair ties too. i even bought a new pack of them. but everyday i go to school and come home, my mom makes me take them off. she says they'll cut off my circulation, but i don't mind. i think of landon, and then i stop. it's pointless. i think of michael. he's not even in my life anymore, so i stop that too. i think of dustin. of how i want to be with him so badly. i know he would love me, unlike the others. he would care about me. he would treat me right. then i think of his beautiful girlfriend, and the thoughts fade. my mind jumps to silly, stupid things then. i think about the past more then anything. of how i long to go back. back to.. the day i was born. i could've done things so differently. i hate my mind. i can remember things, detail for detail. i remember five years ago. second grade. reading class. i got my first bad grade on a test, it was a c. i remember my teacher. she would always make us say we were 'finished', not 'done.' i remember two years ago. fifth grade. november. lunch. the first time he told me he liked me. i remember so many things, but most of them i wish i could forget. my mind starts somewhere, and then it gets mixed up. it's like my mind is lost. scared. hopeless. like me.
i just felt like writing, that's all.
CryingCuresEverything_x3