Just a vent
I havent been a pleasant person to be around lately. I'm either incredibly sad, or angry at everyone.
No one knows why. I'm pretty sure it's because in my 15 years of life I've taught myself to not tell anyone anything. To keep things to myself. So not only has this led me to be secretive and secluded it also has led me to tell no one how I feel. No one at all. I can barely even write it in a notebook. So just like anyone else I put up a front. I smile often, and people think nothing is wrong. Most of the time it works. But lately I can't seem to put up a front. I've been angry and sad and everyone is asking me if I'm okay. I tell them I am it's just not the best day for me and they just shrug it off thinking that's it.
I can't be one of those people that's just straight up with everyone. Who tells it like it is. As much as I'd like to be I can't. Because I know people are sensitive. Everyone is. So I watch everything I say. But people don't do the same with me. They tell me how it is, not caring at all how I feel. And I always bite my tongue. It keeps progressing. They think I'm strong because I put up with it but they don't realize how fast I'm crumbling. I hold back so much I'm afraid one day I'll burst, and everyone will hate me because I finally told them how I felt. They just don't understand. No one really does.
The only one who truly understands is me. And it's come to the point when sometimes I don't even understand the things I put myself through. It's like having a mental battle. Whether to be the fearless bittch that tells everyone how she feels, or that sweet girl who is always smiling and there for everyone.
It gets to the point when I get so angry that I just look at myself and think "Why not just end it now?" and as much as I'd like to I don't. People don't know how many times I've sat crying in front of my mirror insulting myself. I say what I want to say only when I'm alone. I'm my own bully. Everything I want to say to other people I hold til I'm alone so I can use it on myself. And it's killing me. Sometimes it'll be the best day, I'll be happy and laughing with my friends and then they'll say a word or a sentence and I'll feel like bursting into tears. But just like everything else I hold it til I'm home.
I'm like a bottle of emotions.
And some day I'll be so full that I'll break.
And everyone will be left to wonder what happened.
dontsellyourselfshort
Hoodratz
queen*
desultori*
_OneMillionPieces
ilovemikaylaandmelissa
ArianaHegarty_
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