Look, I just don't know what to do, okay? I spend my entire time worrying about you and thinking of ways to talk you out of self-harm and I don't even properly know why you're so upset. Sure, I understand that you're in love and that there's complications, that your parents don't understand you and that maybe sometimes you feel confused and lost and not good enough but that doesn't seem like a good enough reason to be doing so much damage to yourself. You turn to me as a last resort and I do my best to solve every single one of your problems and try to make you understand. But you never listen and I don't know what to do anymore. Because to be honest I'm just as broken as you are. I'm messed up and ill and damaged. I thought I was going to die. I still might. But I never told anyone, not a single soul. And yet here you are and you flaunt your miseries in front of me and I want to help you but I don't know how I can. You tell me you considered sucide. Well, I've thought about it almost non-stop for about a year now. I tell you all the reasons why you shouldn't and little do you know that it was my own argument, the one which kept me from doing it myself a hundered times over. I say all of the things I wish someone had said to me and yet you don't even bother to listen properly, let alone care. I even told you some of my secrets, in hope that it would help to convince you to stay strong and to keep going. And don't get me wrong, I am glad that I can be there for you and I really, really care about what happens to you but I'm just getting even more down and confused with every problem you lay on me. I've tried to be strong, to put on a brave face for you and everyone else, but now I'm just getting beaten and worn down and I'm beginning to wish someone could see through my fake smile and realise that maybe I need saving too. And I feel bad for wanting that, because I've spent so much of my life trying to do the opposite- make sure no-one ever knew about my pain so that it didn't become their own, just like what happened to me. But it's beginning to get to me that you never once asked me if I was okay. Because, to be honest, I wasn't. And I know that I accepted that that's what would happen when decided to put everyone else in front of myself because a) they are more important and b) I know my own strength but I don't know theirs, and you can never tell how close someone is to to the edge. But thats the thing, you see, I don't know how strong I am anymore. I just don't know how much longer I can last.
BeautifulMiracles