Look, I just don't
know what to do, okay? I spend my entire time worrying about
you and thinking of ways to talk you out of self-harm and I
don't even properly know why you're so upset. Sure, I
understand that you're in love and that there's
complications, that your parents don't understand you and
that maybe sometimes you feel confused and lost and not good
enough but that doesn't seem like a good enough reason to be
doing so much damage to yourself. You turn to me as a last resort
and I do my best to solve every single one of your problems and
try to make you understand. But you never listen and I don't
know what to do anymore. Because to be honest I'm just as
broken as you are. I'm messed up and ill and damaged. I
thought I was going to die. I still might. But I never told
anyone, not a single soul. And yet here you are and you flaunt
your miseries in front of me and I want to help you but I
don't know how I can. You tell me you considered sucide.
Well, I've thought about it almost non-stop for about a year
now. I tell you all the reasons why you shouldn't and little
do you know that it was my own argument, the one which kept me
from doing it myself a hundered times over. I say all of the
things I wish someone had said to me and yet you don't even
bother to listen properly, let alone care. I even told you some
of my secrets, in hope that it would help to convince you to stay
strong and to keep going. And don't get me wrong, I am glad
that I can be there for you and I really, really care about what
happens to you but I'm just getting even more down and
confused with every problem you lay on me. I've tried to be
strong, to put on a brave face for you and everyone else, but now
I'm just getting beaten and worn down and I'm beginning
to wish someone could see through my fake smile and realise that
maybe I need saving too. And I feel bad for wanting that, because
I've spent so much of my life trying to do the opposite- make
sure no-one ever knew about my pain so that it didn't become
their own, just like what happened to me. But it's beginning
to get to me that you never once asked me if I was okay.
Because, to be honest, I wasn't. And I know that I accepted
that that's what would happen when decided to put everyone
else in front of myself because a) they are more important and b)
I know my own strength but I don't know theirs, and you can
never tell how close someone is to to the edge. But thats the
thing, you see, I don't know how strong I am anymore. I just
don't know how much longer I can last.
