Waking up to her crying on the phone, trying to get her
to relax and speak. I'm so confused, half-asleep, and her
effort to keep in her tears is moribund.
If I think the way she sounds is a tiny bit funny, should I
feel bad?
No, no. It's not funny, I'm really worried.
"Jess," I try. She keeps crying. I have to do something. I
can't go over there, I'm watching my brother, he's still sleeping.
And I'm not going to be able to calm her down over the phone.
"Jess, can you come over?" I ask.
"Can you?" she gets out between sobs.
"I can't leave Danny alone." Both our parents are at work,
it's just me and him.
"I don't-" she starts. "I don't have the car."
"Jessie, I'm so sorry," Suggesting she walk here wouldn't be right.
"Can I walk?" I swear the girl reads minds. She does that to me all
the time.
"Jess,-" I try to object.
"I have to talk to you." she whines.
I think a minute, about to cry myself. She deserves so much more
than I can do for her. She deserves someone who will be there when
she's sad. To never even be sad.
I agree and apologize again.
"I love you,"
"I love you, too. I'm so sorry."
"Stop it." she tells me.
"What?" I ask, though I know what she means.
"Saying you're sorry. Stop. You don't have to be."
"I am" I insist. There's a pause.
"Did I wake you up?" She's looking for something she did wrong.
"No," I lie. She doesn't have anything to apologize for.
"Why didn't you answer the first time I called?"
Well, sh*t. No, ok, why didn't I answer the first time?
"Um, I don't know. I didn't hear it." I'm such a bad liar and I'm so
terrible to her. I hate that she doesn't see how much better she
could do.
Her silence says she knows it's not the truth.
I feel bad that she's walking all the way here alone, so I stay
on the phone with her until she reaches the corner down the
street and we can see each other.
"You didn't have to wait outside for me." she says once close
enough for me to hear. The crack in her voice as she's about
to cry hurts. The weak smile-through-tears she offers breaks me.
"I wanted to," I assure her. She sighs.
I hold out my arms and she immediately sinks into my embrace.
It's a clumsy hug; tight in places, loose in others. Her left arm is
around me and her right elbow is in the crook of mine, causing it
to bend and not be able to wrap all the way around her. The edge
of her flip-flop is on top of my bare toes. I squeeze her tighter.
All of her weight is on me. Not doing anything to keep herself
up, - she's barely even hugging me anymore, just kind of laying
there - I have the sudden thought that she's fallen asleep. Imagining
hearing her start snoring or something, I manage to keep my laugh
inside my head but can't help my lips forming a smile. I know she's
not sleeping, as much as she makes it seem she is. As if to prove it
to me, though, she sniffs.
She's relying on me entirely to keep her up and I think I'm finally
starting to understand why she insists that I'm so important to her.
If I wasn't here, she would fall.
"Let's go inside," I whisper.
bone