okay this is going to get personal and i dont know why im about to post this, but clearly i am.. i really care about someone that i dont think im any longer in love with but maybe i could wind up back in love, he is my ex and obviously with that title there comes a bunch of history, some good and some bad, and when it was good, it was real good and when it was bad, it was real bad. recently he sort of tried to come back into my life, i care for him but i dont think im in love anymore, and you might think that there is not much difference with what i just said but to me those two things can be a huge difference, especially when they become two seperate things on their own instead of just one thing together. he wanted me to go see him, he wanted me to drop my plans next weekend and he wanted me to hound my mother to convince her to take the train, which would be my first time alone, and did i mention it would be close to a 4 hour train ride, i know that if you truly love someone or care for them, you would do anything, you would try your hardest to do something and not let anything come between you two if ever possible (i can be a hard core romantic at times, can you tell? i try to keep it hidden cuz i dont want to be hurt by showing that side of me, cuz i have been before) but im torn because im not in love with him, but i care for him truly still, and wait there is a twist, there is this other guy, a really sweet, caring, thoughtful guy i have been talking to, wayyy before my ex ever tried to sneak back into my life, he isnt like any others because he doesnt just see me for my apperance and try to just get with me and fool around, no, i have a really good feeling he truly cares about me, he is interested not just for my body but for who i am, and let me tell you, how rare of a chance that is to come across, now with this other guy it is sort of new, ive only hung out with him for a few months until school was out for the summer, and ever since during the summer we've been texting back and forth, we both live in two different cities, but every time i text him i like him that much more, he makes me smile and i feel better about myself after i talk to him, and for a guy to text you over a four month summer break when both of us know there is little chance of seeing eachother till school starts, shows a lot about who he is, i feel as tho he can become something really special and i dont want to loose that, cuz that rarely ever happens, atleast in my strange life, which by the way i dont go out looking for stuff like this, im being 100% serious when i tell you about atleast 95% of the time this stuff comes to me, the other 5% well i just have that their, because its not always everyone else's fault ,you cant just balme others, so i have to admit sometimes it can be my fault for whatever reason, so thats why there is that 5% still left hanging. so all in all im confused, i think what i truly want, is i want my ex to know how im feeling and the situation he put me under, its not just black and white all the time, and i thought that it was when i was younger, but there can be grey and lots of it at times, sometimes youve got to consider that too, i dont know what to do with my ex, but i told him i wasnt going down to see him next weekend because you are only as good as your word and i promised my friend that she could some up and visit me (she is from a different city) way before my ex asked me and put me in this tough situation, i truly feel as tho its just not my time for whatever reason for whatever it is, its hard to explain even writing it down is hard, but every word i type helps me feel better about all of this, about all that is happening in my life right now, i still dont know what to do with my ex and what it is between us, i dont like having someone expecting things and wanting things from someone, cuz almost all the time it never turns out the way you would like it to, but yah i guess this is where im going to stop pouring out my feelings and my thoughts, i still need my time over this, but in my heart the other guy has a huge part of it, and by my emotions my ex has a strong pull on that, which one to decide, i dunno, thats why i have to sort this out because for what ever i do, it has to be for me, not for any of them.
xxyeyaxx*
Carla Crahan.*
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im_just_me
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