GUILT, GRIEF & GRACE
-My dad's journal writtings.
My dear wife and I had just delivered the most difficult public address of our lives. It had never occured to us that parents don't typically spak at their child's funeral because emotions are so very near the surface. For some reason, we did.
After the funeral service we made the somber journey to the cemetery. My son was in the hearse in front of us and all I could think was, "He must be so cold and scared and lonely." I had those same nearly schizophrenic feelings when I was 19 years old and drove my father's casket alone in the back of a pickup truck from Edmonton to southern Alberta. It was snowing outside and I agonized that my dad was cold and I wanted to protect him like he so often tried to protect me. I cried a lot on that long drive - I was young, sad and very much afraid. Although those feelings of wanting to protect my father were strong then, they were so much more intense toward my son. What you read here was the most commute of my life.
As we followed our little boy I couldn't help but also think back on my life with Tegan. Instantly I had feelings of guilt and grief and a longing to hold him such that I had never before known. I cried on this drive, too - and my soul cried out even harder.
I couldn't imagine it then, but I see it now: death and dying, the funeral and all it's preparations, as difficult as they are... that's the easy part. It is in the quiet of things, long after death has come to steal away that which is most precious.. it is when the dust settles and the world spins madly on.. that is when the struggle truly begins.
I have heard many who wrestle with grief share feelings of personal guilt over a million-and-one things they wish done differently. I understand those feelings because I have felt them, too. I wrote in this journal last December, "That list of "what if's", however couterfeit and scattered with lies, remains glossy, persuasive and deceptively."
Though I may be tempted to feel guilt for what might have been, or perhaps even should have been, I know I always had the welfare of my family at heart and I did the best I knew how. I wasn't perfect, but I was perfect at trying - and that is good enough for me. Grief is hard enough - guilt makes grief more difficult. Guilt is a lot like fire: if it is properly managed it can wield great power and effect change. If mismanaged, or gets out of control, it can burn us and cause deep scars.
Yet there are so many moments that invite feelings of guilt: from the foolish things people say, to those who suggest we're grieving wrong... because we're not doing it their way. To all of the nonsense I say, ignore it. It is easy to critique the grief of others for those who never knew it or bore it. I don't feel guilty for having good days or moments of happiness - as though I've betrayed some unspoken rule of grief. To the contrary, I seek after such moments daily. We are made to find joy - and joy is what I seek.
On the other side of the grief spectrum there are some who suggest, "Tegan wouldn't want you to be sad." Yet, I am sad he is gone. I don't feel guilty for grieving or feeling deep sorrow over the loss of my son... for I believe he understands my grief.. that grief is the language of the heart and points to unspeakable love and unimaginable loss. Why feel guilty for that? I don't feel guilt for grieving and I never will.
Mixed in the many layers of grief are the questions "Why me? Why this? Why?" We may never know the answers.. at least in this life. But, I can't help but think there's a relationship between grief and grace. At least to me, it seems if we endure our struggles well, grief can become our teacher and open our hearts to a deeper compassion towards others.
Though I wish the death of my son never happened, it did. Shaking my fists at God in anger won't change that.. in fact, such anger would change me... and I don't want that.
I'll never turn my fist toward God. Instead, I turn my ear toward Him and do my best to listen. And, when I slow down and give my heart some space, I am convinced grief is a key to grace.
AubreeMae