It used to be fun to jokingly reply ya mama when my mom asked from another room who was in the kitchen or teased me about anything and now it's not fun to say it nor I imagine is it easy for her to hear it. It just reminds us both that my grandmom, her mom, isn't here anymore. When I said it in the past it was silly but it was also a nice reminder that she was alive, well, and my mom could jokingly threaten to tell her that I was talking bad about her. Talking about her isn't a taboo in the house now, of course, we mention her all the time. But in this instance, it feels wrong. I've avoided using the phrase at all for the last two months, but today it slipped out, and there was silence afterwards. I felt bad that I'd said it aloud, and my mom had nothing to retort. She was in another room, and I could picture her sitting there letting my words hit her.... God, how I wish there was any truth left to it. That any little noise or minor mishap really was ''ya mama''.