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i used to take so long thinking about what clothes i wanted to wear for the day, but now the process is so much quicker
nothing has changed about it, except that ive gotten used to it
the polls between the left and right side of my brain,
how do i feel today? about my gender? about my weight? shape?
how to i want to portray myself? am i tough? weak?
am i confident enough to wear tight jeans?
or am i homesick...and wear loose jeans?
lastly do i have open scars? will the red bleed through?
do i want it to bleed through? where am i going today, do i want them to notice and ask if i'm okay?
are they almost healed? will not ruining a pair of jeans be just enough motivation for me to not pick at it?

these are the questions i have grown used to. it's like answering the questions at the hospital. the same ones, over...and over...and over...
you grow used to automatically checking boxes, knowing exactly where everything is on the symptoms sheet...
hardly even throwing a second glance, but still never missing the mark. this is life in my head, and whether i like it or not,
the automatic questionnaire will run, and my brain will answer. i dont think about it too much consciously, but when i do, it scares me.
i automatically reach for the jeans that my brain has decided on...and now it's time to pick a shirt.

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i used to take so long thinking about what clothes i wanted to

4 faves · 10 comments · Oct 12, 2016 3:47pm

by

crimson24

decisions · bodylove · alwaysinrecovery · quote

jahn79* · 7 years ago
If I get distracted just poke me ... Pull my Ponh tail ... Something ...
1 reply

jahn79* · 7 years ago
I love your posts
0 reply

crimson24 · 7 years ago
well winter is a-comin' so there will probably be more of them. my brain has been quite the playground of rollercoaster sickness, suicide sundays, mundane mondays, and the bittersweetness of fall...
1 reply

jahn79* · 7 years ago
But what shirt did you wear? Dont you hate those stories where they leave you hanging?
1 reply

crimson24 · 7 years ago
lol next quote dear
0 reply

jahn79* · 7 years ago
Very heart felt. Feeling your pain but not knowing . Maybe knowing too much. Is it a curse or a blessing I cannot tell. Perhaps a gift of understanding.
2 reply

crimson24 · 7 years ago
damn i love this place
2 reply

jahn79* · 7 years ago
Yes heartfelt with many tears
0 reply

jahn79* · 7 years ago
Heart stopping ... Breath holding ... Quietly screaming NO .... I'm screaming at me .. hoping for you
1 reply

crimson24 · 7 years ago
i dont fully understand this comment...but i know it is heart felt...whatever meaning this holds for you...
1 reply

Witty Profiles

i used to take so long thinking about what clothes i wanted to

by

crimson24

tags

decisions · bodylove · alwaysinrecovery · quote