I did a bad thing.
You see, I'm not someone who shouts my feelings out to the heavens. 
I need time to figure things out before they leave my soul.
But my best friend is different.
She started having feelings for this guy. 
She asked if I did too.
I needed more time to figure it out.
He made me feel something again.
He made me feel happy again.
But I needed more time before I put a label on it.
My best friend wasn't ever someone I could just explain something to, she doesn't ever understand what I'm trying to say. 
So I said no.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
I thought I was perserving our friendship.
Maybe I could push everything away.
But I couldn't help it.

I fell for him.

It got out.
And he felt for me too. 
But my best friend.
She started to despise me.
Despite whatever she did or said.
Despite how much she denied it.
She started to hate me.
We never became something.
This boy and I stayed the way we were, but our feelings were out there.
And eventually more secrets came out.
Not about the boy,
But about my sanity.
My happiness.
My everything.
My best friend realized that this boy was it.
She realized that she never had my back the way I had hers.
Despite this bad thing I did, I was always there for her.
I always stood by her.
Now though, it's different.
I felt our friendship deteriorating. 
Years meant nothing to her.
History meant nothing to her.
Only this boy meant something to her.
I pushed myself out.
I thought I'd need to push the boy out for her to come back.
But my feelings never left.
I watched from a distance as she took my place by his side.
And she believed me when I said I was ok.
Like she did so long ago, she never even bothered to look past my fake smile.
She never even bothered to know if I was ok.
I realize this now.
That our friendship is toxic.
She secetly hates me for falling for the boy.
I secretly hate her to claiming to be here but never doing so.
I just want out.
I did a bad thing.
I'm sorry.
You can't forgive me.
But you've never been a real friend to me.
So no, I can't forgive you either.