I don't go on witty a lot anymore, I guess I've just been too busy. Actually, I know that's not true, I've had time for tumblr and facebook. But witty just, it just reminds me of how broken we are and how we really shouldn't be. I hate knowing that me and all of my friends are really, truly, falling apart and that there's nothing we can do about it. I'm so tired of people saying that this will blow over and that it's just because we're horomonal teenagers. I know it will, I mean I think it will. Sometimes I don't really believe it. But truth is, I don't care if this will go away once we are grown up. I honestly don't care, I want to be happy or at least okay today, right now. This years are supposed to be the best our lives, we all tried to grow up fast, seeing the smiles and the fun the teenagers were having. We tried to hard to grow up. Look where we are now, me with my broken heart and a barely functioning relationship, my past. Look at all the girls out there just like me, who cut and have been anorexic. Look at this. This isn't right, we should be happy. But I have the feeling, just deep down in my heart that I will always be alone and that nothing will be right again. I don't have the will power or the energy to do anything anymore. I'm tired of sitting here, faking a smile, joking around with my friends that are also broken. I have a lot of trouble hating people other than myself lately. Because what I see in people like my best friends is what I want to be, what I strive for. When I look in the mirror, I just want to break it. It's only partially because I know I'm not that pretty and that my legs are fat. It's because I know the looks that people give me, the way they hate me and talk about me. Maybe if they realized what I was going through, just maybe they'd understand. But really, me hating myself isn't my biggest problem. I have these four amazing friends--Rachel, Bri, Melanie and Austin. They're all just perfect. I wish I was any of them. They're funny, nice, caring and always there. They're beautiful in every way. I don't know what I'd do with them. I get physically sick when I hear them talking crap about themselves. It's not right, they can't see that they're perfect. I feel like a failure because I can't prove that to them. And I'm tired of my family being broken too, tired of worrying that my parents will divorce or that my dad will hit me again. I'm tired of being that teenager, the one that takes the hateful feeling towards herself and slams it into her parents faces. I really hate the fact that I'm a terrible girlfriend and friend. I can't explain it, I just suck as a person. I want to fix things, to be useful at something, to be a good dancer or runner or french hornist or soccer player. But I suck at all of it. I'm running out of the will to keep doing this. Why are we so broken? Why do I feel the need to hurt myself? And why, why do I feel the need to become anorexic again. The truth is, I've tried time and time again since September, but I ran out of the willpower, I give into the food. I just can't keep doing this. I need to be happy, I have friends who depend on me. I don't put on this fake smile every day for me, I put it on for them. Because I want to be the one to make them smile. I need to, they need me. I just don't know if I can do this anymore.