Chapter 1.  "knowing right from wrong"

I was only six years old, when I learned how cruel, and un-loving this world has become. I was mistreated by one of the people who should care for your well being, and want you to succeed. He was one family member in which I never thought such a wrong, sick thing would come from. How could he take advantage of his young, innocent niece? How could he hurt me in that way?

Hiding that secret, is something I did for years. Up until freshman year in high school that is. Which, if you think about it is such an odd place to tell someone your deepest secret. But, Noelle was my best friend, and I confided in her in a way that I could with no one else.

Noelle and I met in computer class. It was my first day at a new school.  I was scared out of my mind. However, she made the transition a little easier. We basically had everything in common right away. It was weird for me to get a long with someone as well as I did with her. Within only a couple weeks, we managed to become best friends, and we were connected at the hip. It always made me laugh the way we could finish each others sentences?, and it?s like she always knew when something was wrong with me. She was a sister I never had.       

 Everything went so smoothly until boys started entering the picture. It seemed like every time she got a boyfriend, or I got one, our friendship fell to the waist side, and we stopped talking. It was hard for me at first, because she was the only person I grew to trust, but, after a while of trying desperately to keep her in my life, I just stopped. And, I was alone, and that was my biggest fear.

            A couple months went by, they were very difficult. I hated waking up, and attending school, because there was no point of being there. I fell into a slight depression, and at the time I felt as if there was nothing I could do, I had a miserable life, and I just had to accept it.

One particular day in class, this boy came up to me, and started talking to me as if we'd been friends for years, I haven't really talked to anyone in a while, so the company was very nice. We started talking regularly, exchanged numbers, and after a while he became a really good friend. John was very cute as well, and he always knew how to make me laugh, no matter what my mood may have been. Although I never told him my secrets, I felt comfortable with him. And that alone said a lot. I'll never forget the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was at the end of a basketball game, and our team won! I ran up to him excitedly, and he was acting so nervous, so shy? then all of a sudden he asked me! It was like fireworks came out of no where, it made me the happiest person alive.

He became everything to me. John was what my life consisted of. We were always together, everyday. The summer of my sophomore year is when our relationship was brought to the next level. I was at his house, and we were alone in his room watching a movie. He looked at me, and told me he loved me. I was so scared. I didn't know whether I should believe him? Or if he was just saying it because he was "caught in the moment." There was so much going on in my head, so I just said it back? not sure if I meant it, or not. Apparently me saying that made him very excited, and happy.

He started kissing me a little bit more intensely, and touching me in different ways. I was uncomfortable; however I didn't want him to think I was being childish, so I just continued to let him do what he pleased. The more it continued, the more and more intense it got, all of this was way to much for me to handle, but I couldn?t stop him. It was like I was weak, I couldn't speak. It was my first time ever doing so much with a guy. And, I wasn't so sure I was happy that it happened. But, he loved me? so it was okay? I thought.

This whole, "physical" part of the relationship was something he wanted all the time. This is when my past experience really started to bother me. It seemed like every time John touched me, I got flashbacks of what had happened to me when I was young. It broke me so much inside, however I just stayed quiet, I wanted John to be happy.

Six months into our relationship, I came to the realization that I do love John, I just don't think it's in the way he loved me. I seen him as a best friend, as someone I could go to if I needed to, but he seen me as so much more. I never told him how I felt. I just kept quiet, because I didn't want to hurt him. It went on like this for 2, almost three years, until I spoke up, and told him I couldn't do it anymore. I explained to him that I didn't want any of this, and I needed to be on my own. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do, I broke his heart, and from that day on he was into drugs and alcohol. I tried maintaining a friendship with him, but he'd always blame me for his life being hell. So, John was gone. That's the second person I?ve lost.

            Once again, I was alone. I really started believing something was wrong with me. I started to read a lot of stories, mostly love stories, because in the books, everything turned out okay, so in my mind I thought that the same thing would apply to real life. I started to become content with the fact that I can't trust anyone, and I was okay with being alone.

            I talked to people, but I didn't consider them friends, they were just there to talk to when I was bored. Trust was something very important to me, and at the time no one deserved it. I was very alone, and independent until my junior year of high school...