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Tips For Success
1. When a kid makes faces at you
through their bus window, follow the kid home and make faces at
them through their bedroom window at night.
2. If cops are flashing their lights at you, they want to see how
fast you can really go. Impress them.
3. Write bad songs, sing them terribly, and brush your teeth with
a bottle of jack.
4. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that
you ever tried.
5. You are what you eat, eat skinny people.
6. Give out free hugs for $1
7. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but only if you throw it
really, really hard.
8. Never knock, people love being suprised.
9. When called from an unlisted number, answer the phone with a
heavy foreign accent and sound confused.
10. While driving, slam on your breaks unnecessarily as often as
possible to keep everyone around you alert and paranoid.
11. End every sentence with "according to the
prophecy." It will make you seem spiritual, according to the
prophecy.
12. Talk to strangers if they have candy, especially if they
drive white, windowless vans.
13. Open the Chamber Of Secrets
14. "Charlie Sheen" is an acceptable punchline to any
joke you forget the ending to.
15. Right before opening a soda bottle or can, shake it
vigorously to mix all the flavor together, therefore making your
drink taste better and more satisfying.
16. When conversing with a British person, speak only about tea
or they won't understand you.
17. Always put your address on your house keys, that way if lost
they can be returned to you without any trouble.
18. Be bad, only the good die young.
19. To save money, instead of using tampons, simply wear red
jeans.
20. When playing with grenades, be sure to stand near Bruno
Mars.
21. Remain calm and Call Batman.
22. Alchohol kills germs, be sure to drink plenty to keep your
insides clean.
23. Wear your underwear over your pants, it will make you look
like a super hero.
24. Time is money, steal clocks.
25. Make bomb jokes at the airport. Security loves that kind of
light humor because of their stressful jobs.
26. To save time, try taking your medication for the month all at
once.
27. If you computer is slowing down give it some water, it is
probably suffering dehydration.
28. In the winter metal poles taste like candy, don't
hesitate to lick them.
29. After committing a crime, run to Canada, they'll be too
busy searching Mexico.
30. Always store a secret emergency donut in your car in case you
get pulled over.
31. Ignore warning labels, they are only there because
manufacturers are selfish and want to keep all the fun to
themselves.
32. In the memo field for all your checks be sure to write
"For smuggling cocaine." The bank tellers will admire
your sense of humor and probably send you free money.
33. Use multicolored duct tape, it makes the hostages feel more
at home.
34. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of
boiling hot water down your throat.
35. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
8 faves · Apr 25, 2011 6:35pm