"i felt like i had to work hard to deserve everything.
even the basic, for granted things.
i couldn't just eat, i couldn't just be loved.
in the same way i would compensate for a meal,
i always thought i could only love after making up.
i had to keep scores so i could stay one step behind.
i had to suffer to prove to myself that i was deserving.
what a heartbreakingly silly thing to have learnt."
Dudu*