it's the type of self confidence that comes from within. not the one built up through working hard and being kind. it's the type of self confidence that was nurtured in the arms of parents who saw no one else but you. when you were young, you saw the love they had for you in their eyes, you could even feel their love in the words they spoke. i'll always envy that. i got hugs too, but it wasn't the same. i don't know if i can accept it but i seek that love elsewhere now. i'll keep working hard...i'll keep trying to be nice. it's just a bit sad really. i emulated the parts of my parents i saw the most and added some parts i had made on my own. that in itself was not enough. i can't compete with a chronic disease. i can't compete with near death experiences that make you cherish them more. i can't compete. i should be glad that i can't compete. i should be glad that i'm healthy. i am glad. i'm glad. for being born healthy, i am glad. for being born healthy in this family, i am...so very glad lucky.