I've never had a deep conversations friend. I've never had they know my everything friend. I've never had the they understand me friend. I've never ever felt fully included. I've had close friends, but I always knew there was this imaginary line that I couldn't cross. That there was always a part of me that they wouldn't be accepting of. When I was younger I had so many friendship groups. I had a group at school, and another friend group at Saturday school. The Saturday school was filled with kids from my ethnic community. It was great. Randomly one day, this girl told me that my Saturday friend group didn't like me anymore. That they didn't want to be my friend anymore. I regret not asking why because till this day I see them round, and at the back of my mind I wonder why they decided I wasn't good enough to be their friend. I really distanced myself after that. I was really friendly and outspoken when I was younger. Looking back that was a sad turning point for me. I became a lot more self conscious. A lot more introverted and internalised everything. Nowadays they probably have forgotten about that incident and think I'm just unapproachable and stuck up. It just sucks sometimes. I feel like I'm missing out in the full community experience since I don't have any of them as my friends. Our relationship has gotten way too awkward now. My friend group at my school was in shambles around the same time. My best friend moved states and so I made new friends. With a bully. She bullied me about everything. My weight, being the main thing. What sucks looking back, is that I believed that I was fat. I was tiny! But I stuck with her because I felt like I had no other friends up until the end of middle school. When I quit being friends with her she threatened to self harm. I ignored her. That's the most selfish thing I've ever done. She sought help, but I never turned back. We still have this awkward friendship going. After her I made new friends. The friend group I have now. They're okay. Very superficial. I never talk about my feelings, just school related stress is as deep as the conversation goes. I never talk about my family situation. My depression. My life goals. It kinda sucks. I always hope I'll come across a new friend, one I can open up to. Sometimes I wonder if it's just a flaw in my personality. Maybe I'm not meant to have friends. But I'd like to believe that there's someone out there for me. If not only a friendship, maybe even a romantic relationship too. Yeah, a soulmate. That'd be nice.
RVM
Dudu*
phee