A little while ago, my mother insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most of the male population, I found that shopping is boring and I preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my mother is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear mother recieved a letter from our local Target:
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Dear Mrs Dunmen,
Over the past six months, your son has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban you both from the store. Our complaints against your son, Maurice Dunmen, are listed below and are documented by our video survailence cameras.
February15: Took twenty four boxes of condoms and put them in other people's shopping carts when they weren't looking.
March 2: Set all of the alarm clocks in House Wares to go off at five minute intervals.
March 7: Made a trail of tomato sauce on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
March 19: Walked up to an employee and said in an official voice, "Code three in House Wares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor thhat in turn resultetd with a union grieviance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
April 4: Went to the service desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
April 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
April 15: Set up a tent in the Camping department and told the children shoppers that he would let them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which about twenty of the children obliged.
April 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screaming "Whycan't you people leave me alone?" EMT's were called.
June 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror as he picked his nose.
June 10: While handling guns in the hunting department he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
July 3: Darted around the store suspiciously whilst humming loudly the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
July 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
July 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people walked passed he yelled "PICK ME, PICK ME!"
July 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
August 18: Wentt into a fitting room, shut the door, waited for a little while then shouted out "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" One of the clerks passed out.
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Hope this made you laugh as it did me.
~maurice~
maurice