my life is falling apart, i honestly don't care if you read this or no, i'm not making it pretty for you to fave and what not, i just really need someone to actually know me.. the real me.
I really don't have any true friends, they all use me. I've only had one true bestfriend in my entire life, alyssa hope. we don't really talk anymore because we moved away and stoppped talking until recently. i have some major trust issues, i can't ever get close enough to people before i start pushing them away. it's just always been like that, too many people come in to my life and have never stayed long enough and it wasn't my choice so by me pushing people away i guess i feel like i can finally control my life. buuuut anyways, my 'bestfriend' we don't talk, i text her to hang out, nothing. i call her, she ignors my calls. i see her in school and she put on a fake smile and says hi and that shes sorry she didn't text me back. which i know is all bullcrap. i really miss having my bestfriend, the old allie. the one that used to stay up all night laughing with me. the one i met in fourth grade. the one that doesn't ditch me to go to alexis' for the weekend. i need a bestfriend too, one that i can have. i'm tired of sharing her. i put in my headphones and just say that i hate people and that im tired, i'm tired of 'being tired' i'm so depressed, it's not just allie, it's not ever being good enough to do anything, i no good at the sports i like, i can't get good grades, it's like everything i do is never good enough for anyone, not even me. i beat myself up over the littlest things.. but no one would know cause i just play it off like it's nothing.. ohhh i failed that test whatever. but it's eating away at me, i don't know how much longer i can take it. i've thought about suicide, i know deep down i could never do it, i would never be able to leave my little sister with that burden, she is the only reason i know i would never ever do it. I could just move away to my dad's no one knows me there, start over maybe have a better life? but what would that do for me or Ashlee, i'd just be runnign away and she'd continue to grow up confused. BUT i guess i'll live. Today is my 17th birthday, my one and true friend alyssa called me to wish me a happy birthday.. i haven't talked to her in years but she called at midnight, i can tell you right now she is going to be the one that will let me cry on her shoulder, she's comming over to celebrate my birthday with my family. Allie probably doesn't even remember it's my birthday, i doubt i'll get a facebook happy birthday from her, ohhh yeah i deleted her a week ago and she stilll hasn't noticed.. well, F@#! her, i know who i can reliy on when i need someone and it's not her, if you did read this thanks, it's a lot i know and it's pretty much me just rambeling on and on, but i can't keep it botteled up any more, <3
jessekaa_95