I wrote this for my best friend of 17 years Safeta<3
You are such strong, beautiful girl. I know you don’t believe it, but you are. You're wonderful in your own way. Yes, you've been hurt. Many times. But baby girl, that’s only made you who you are today. & you’re still growing & changing. There are so many things you’re gonna go through that'll hurt you, make you happy, & leave you just not knowing what you feel. There are people you'll meet that'll have a huge impact on your life, and you'll have a huge impact on others. Some will look up to you, & some will look down upon you. You’ll inspire people, good and bad, but nonetheless, you'll inspire them. You'll do great things with your life. I just know it. Deep down, I have faith in you. God has faith in you. And He’s right there with you.
Just thinking his name makes your heart sputter and ache. Thinking of him, only for a moment, brings tears to your eyes. You love him. You care for him in a way you didn’t know was possible. You care about his future. His health, wellbeing, happiness. His heart, soul. His mind. You care about the choices he makes, & how they'll affect him later on. Girl, you love him. Don’t try to deny it. Despite the pot smoking, cigarette smoking, drinking, you love him. I know you don’t wanna love him. It only hurts you. But you were made to love. Not only because you’re a woman & we’re just built to love. But because that is something you just feel deeply. You were made a little bit differently. You love hard & fast & more unconditionally than some. You love deeper & whole-heartedly, no doubts.
That’s a love you’ve never felt for someone before. With love comes pain. It brings disappointment, regret, happiness, a new light to life. Your love for him runs deep within you. It came on so, so quickly. I know you never, ever expected it to get so intense. Especially not that fast. It was totally new to you. It made your heart ache with happiness, joy & love, excitement & wonder, hopes & dreams. He made you feel like you were flying. He made you smile, laugh, upset, cry. . Just talking with him was more than enough for you. Even just knowing that he was yours, & you were his. That was enough.
You hadn’t been so happy in a long time. When you looked in the mirror, you saw a beautiful girl that was loved & wanted. You felt so much better about yourself. He told you he was happy, that he wanted to be with you. He told you he really liked you, he missed you. He told you that you were cute. Adorable. Once, that you were beautiful. The reaction you felt down to the core of your soul, was so shocking. It was like an explosion of excitement, bewilderment, happiness, confusion, joy, & horror. It terrified you & thrilled you all at once. You had finally decided he wouldn’t hurt you. He even promised he wouldn’t give up on you when you got difficult.
But he broke his promise. He hurt you. He hurt you bad. It took less than two weeks for you to fall for him. And it took him less than 10 minutes to shatter you. It’s taken everything inside of you not to just give up. It’s a pain so deep, so dreadful & dark, that it scares even those horror-filled parts of you. Just looking at him is too much. But you can’t look away. Just thinking of him is unbearable. But you can’t stop. This pain is self-inflicted my darling. You’re bringing it on yourself, whether you know it or not. When it comes, it’s bad. You tremble & shake, your teeth chatter, you grow cold deep down in the depths of your heart. You fight the tears & breathe deep. It’s all you can do. Sometimes, even that doesn’t work. You just break down. It’s only been a few weeks. Actually, 3 days from now, you’d have been together 2 months. That’s making this all the more difficult lately. Knowing it’s creeping closer. You just want him to hold you. To smile at you & kiss you. Run his hand through your hair & pull it back so he can look into your eyes. To hold your hand & tell you how much he likes you & cares about you again. You want him to tell you that he misses you. You want him to rub your tummy when it hurts & hold you when you’re sad. You want to smell him & sleep in his jacket. Hell, you just want to know he cares. Even though he flat out told you he never did. That he just felt sorry for you that whole time. You hurt. You sob. Your dreams aren’t dreams anymore. They’re nightmares. They all involve him. Sleep isn’t safe. Music, isn’t safe. Books aren’t safe either. Your own mind is a destructive, painful place.
You need to forgive yourself. You need to realize you didn’t do anything wrong. This probably just wasn’t meant to work out. The two of you are so different. Yes, you’re good for each other. But it’s not enough. He wasn’t willing to keep trying. He gave up too soon, too willingly. He didn’t want to fight for you, & that’s his fault. Giving you up was his loss, not yours. He was lucky to have you, & he didn’t see that. Like I said, he couldn’t see through his own smoke, & realize just how great you are. Someday, someone fantastic will realize that. It might be him, later down the road. It might not. You can’t know. Only God knows, baby girl. He is there for you, no matter what. He will take your pain. All you have to do is ask. As soon as you take that step, it’ll get easier, & you won’t hurt anymore. You’ll be able to work through this & be friends with you again, believe it or not. Your amazing, incredible friends will be there to help you the whole way. But girl, you have to forgive yourself. This right here, this is you, telling you that you will be okay. That you have nothing to be sorry for. And that you forgive your self.
<333
inherimagination