To anyone willing to listen, i would like to introduce you into my life. Some may find it amusing, others heartbreaking, and other might not give a sh*t. As long as one person reads this for what i intended, i can consider this a good hour of typing worth it.
My name is Zack, i come from a small town in Upstate New York. Before you get the idea that this is going to drag on, i'm trying to keep this as to the point as possible. Anyways, my name, where i come from. I have always been a loner and overweight and because of this, lacked confidence.I had always had a problem with chasing the wrong person. Since i was a kid in elementary school, i had always had a crush on this girl. Her name was Lindsey. Lindsey was considered by most guys the prettiest girl in school. I was one of these guys. The problem was though, i had never really talked to her. i had talked to her here or there, helped her if she needed it, but had never really talked to her about anything outside of school. I tried to get close to her. it kind of worked but i never got where i wanted to. at one point we were really close, she'd tell me her secrets and i would listen, vice versa. However whenever i would bring up us being together, it would result in us not talking for a week or so. after a few failed attempts i distanced myself from her in order for her to chase me. she didnt. i however, still thought of her everyday. my cousin and friend mitch introduced me to his friends. the most signifgant of them all was Lizzie. Lizzie was (and still is) a very attractive girl in mitch's class (a year above mine). long story short, we became extremely close. she was my best friend. i began to have feelings for Lizzie, however i still had feelings for Lindsey. I was (and still am) not a player. i knew i had to make a choice between one or the other. i foolishly made the wrong decision. i decided to continue to chase Lindsey. deep down i knew it would never happen, but i didn't listen to myself. while i chased Lindsey again, i began to distance myself from Lizzie. i justified ignoring Lizzie by telling myself i had one girl, Lindsey, even though i really didn't. In time, Lizzie stopped talking to me, completely understandable. Eventually, Lindsey stopped talking to me too. This left me with nobody to talk to and a boat load of regret. I fell into a spiraling depression. I never talked to anyone, my grades dropped, i began to cut, contemplated opting out, etc. Who came to save me? the girl i had horribly mistreated. Lizzie comforted me and led me from the dark place i was in. she had brought me from the brink of self-destruction. We became close again. not as close as we once were, but i still considered her my best friend. But, i messed up again. I started talking to Lindsey again and the same thing happened. i ignored what i had with Lizzie and in doing so, made the biggest mistake of my life. I chased an unachievable goal and gave up a golden opportunity. Things didn't work out with lindsey and Lizzie justifiably stopped talking to me. The same thing happened: spiraling depression, dark thoughts, etc. However, Lizzie didn't come back for me. this left me with a lot of time to think. i had always thought that lizzie had had a crush on my cousin mitch, but then the picture began to come together: maybe it was me she had talked about being "him", being the guy she dreamed of. Today, two years later i am still trying to find out if she had ever thought of me like how i think of her now. we talk now, went to prom together, but it is definitely not the same as it was two years ago. she does not know how i feel about her. i fear the idea that maybe she never felt the same way, maybe all this stress and all these tears have been for nothing. i regret not being the man she deserves and for not taking my chance two years ago to be with a wonderful woman who had treated me as a king while i really was just a jester. I sit here, typing this, contemplating doing something i swore to myself i would never do. I sit here on the brink filled with turmoil and regret within my mind and heart. I wish she knew how i felt, i am just too much of coward to actually tell her how i feel.
Long story short i had the greatest thing ever, the greatest person ever, and i let it go because i wanted some i thought was better. If i had one wish, it would be another chance with Lizzie. I hope that this somehow finds its way to her in the case i decide to end it...
Lizzie, if you happen to find this, i have always loved you and would give anything for a chance to make you the happiest girl in the world. I hope you know that, if i ever caused you heartache, i regret it, along with all of my other f*ck ups. I wish to you all the happiness in the world and i wish you knew i have always genuinely cared about you.
And so ends my tale of regret and grief, and so floats a bottle in a vast endless sea
fullofregrets77