Give Me Envy, Give Me Malice.
chapter one, part three.
I smile - something so rare for me - and reply with a simple "Hey." I ponder asking how the lecture he was attending was, but figure that I don't want to sound too forward. I'm The Girl With Two Minds. I'm not supposed to care.
He waits for a few seconds, almost as if he is waiting for me to ask, before saying "Lecture was crap."
"How come?" I look up, and allow a single, short laugh to escape my lips.
"Just was. I knew half the stuff they were saying anyway." He shrugged. "I should have just stayed here with you."
Yes, Ryan. Yes, you should have, because when I'm with you I feel no desire to destroy myself. When I'm with you, my third, extremely tiny and overlooked part of me is speaking through my mouth. That tiny third part of me is the part that's still human, that still has emotions and feelings. That has emotions and feelings for you, Ryan.
Yes, Ryan. Yes, you should have stayed.
"How was your day, then?" he asks, looking at me.
I shrug. "I was trying to study, but it didn't work out. I ended up writing a few crappy unfinished melodies and playing them on my guitar."
"I'm sure they're not crappy. Can I listen?"
I sigh. "If you like."
I'm a wreck. I'm Bridget Franklin, the drunken wreck who studies music and more often than not fails at even that because music is the only thing she's ever been good at.
I'm a wreck with no future who only came to this stupid university to keep my parents happy.
I should just drop out now.
But I don't. Instead, I get my guitar from the corner and play out a melody. It was one I wrote myself, earlier this day.
The melody is nothing cliche or cheesy, nothing about 'summer days' or 'beautiful sunsets'. It's a tune to a song I've been working on for a while. I haven't even told Ryan about it. I sing along to the heaviest I can play with an acoustic guitar inside my head.
The world is falling, just the way it did before.
The gate comes crashing down, a world I adored
Reduced to ashes, but if pain is what awaits,
Let it be, for the future is hate.
I am fully aware that 'work' and 'a lot of it' are words that need to be associated with it, but I'm proud of the melody, and right now I'm not too fussed about the lyrics.
I wrote it based on genuine events.
I wrote it based on that night.
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