I miss you. I need you so much right now.
Would things be different if you were still here? Would life be this bad? If you were here you would teach me to be strong. You would be my Superman, just like you were when you fought so hard. I still remember lying cuddled up to your frail body as you slowly withered away. I remember having to leave, and every time my heart broke a little more. I remember saying "I Love You, Daddy. I will see you later," even though I was never sure; any breath could have been your last. I remember the day mom came home, July 5th, 2007. I remember staying with my cousins for hours because I didn't want to face the truth, what I already knew. I remember coming out, all eyes on me, and asking "Is he...?" I didn't even finish my sentence. I didn't even have to ask. Mom wouldn't have left if you were still alive. I remember everyone breaking down. I remember my brother pulling in and just bawling in his car; he didn't see you in time. I had never seen my brother cry, let alone like that, nor have I seen him cry since. It was frightening to watch everyone fall apart around me. Mom held me, but I didn't cry. You taught me to be strong. Maybe I tried to stay strong for everyone else. I remember your funeral, your body laying in the casket. I remember it took me half an hour to finally go up and see you. You didn't look like you at all; your hair was all gone from all of the treatments, your skin was white as snow, your body was so frail and you looked like a skeleton. I remember kissing your forehead before we had to leave; it was cold. So cold. I will never forget the chill of death against my lips; it haunts me still. I remember I barely made an appearance at the funeral. I hid in the back room; I couldn't take any more "I'm sorry's" or "Are you okay?'s," especially not "Everything happens for a reason." There is no reason for what happened to us. There is no reason I had to sit there and watch you suffer. There is no reason that I will always be broken without you. This is no reason that I will never have my father walk me down the isle, or that I will never get a real father-daughter dance. There is no reason that my kids will only ever know their grandfather from pictures and from the stories that I will tell them of you. But if there is one thing that my kids will know about you, it's that you are an incredible man. And I mean ARE not WERE, because your spirit lives on in me. I promise you that as long as I live, you will never be forgotten. If there is one thing that I have learned from everything, from you, it is to always be strong. Be happy. Be cautious, you can only trust a few. But most of all, don't take other people's sh*t. Life IS too short, for all of those saying "life isn't too short, it's the longest thing you do. What can you do that's longer than life?" Well think about this when you're 45 on your death bed, and you have barely done anything you wanted to in life. Think about this when you hear about a baby who was stillborn; they didn't even get a chance to experience the things that you are experiencing right now. Think about that 19 year old who just died in a car crash because of a drunk driver; he will never get to experience his 20's and have the most fun people could possibly have. Thank you for teaching me to not take life for granted, daddy.
I hope I make you proud, daddy, because I am just like you, and I'm proud of it.
I miss you. I need you.