35 Tips For Success
1. When a kid makes faces at you through their bus window, follow the kid home and make faces at them through their bedroom window at night.
2. If cops are flashing their lights at you, they want to see how fast you can really go. Impress them.
3. Write bad songs, sing them terribly, and brush your teeth with a bottle of jack.
4. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
5. You are what you eat, eat skinny people.
6. Give out free hugs for $1
7. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but only if you throw it really, really hard.
8. Never knock, people love being suprised.
9. When called from an unlisted number, answer the phone with a heavy foreign accent and sound confused.
10. While driving, slam on your breaks unnecessarily as often as possible to keep everyone around you alert and paranoid.
11. End every sentence with "according to the prophecy." It will make you seem spiritual, according to the prophecy.
12. Talk to strangers if they have candy, especially if they drive white, windowless vans.
13. Open the Chamber Of Secrets
14. "Charlie Sheen" is an acceptable punchline to any joke you forget the ending to.
15. Right before opening a soda bottle or can, shake it vigorously to mix all the flavor together, therefore making your drink taste better and more satisfying.
16. When conversing with a British person, speak only about tea or they won't understand you.
17. Always put your address on your house keys, that way if lost they can be returned to you without any trouble.
18. Be bad, only the good die young.
19. To save money, instead of using tampons, simply wear red jeans.
20. When playing with grenades, be sure to stand near Bruno Mars.
21. Remain calm and Call Batman.
22. Alchohol kills germs, be sure to drink plenty to keep your insides clean.
23. Wear your underwear over your pants, it will make you look like a super hero.
24. Time is money, steal clocks.
25. Make bomb jokes at the airport. Security loves that kind of light humor because of their stressful jobs.
26. To save time, try taking your medication for the month all at once.
27. If you computer is slowing down give it some water, it is probably suffering dehydration.
28. In the winter metal poles taste like candy, don't hesitate to lick them.
29. After committing a crime, run to Canada, they'll be too busy searching Mexico.
30. Always store a secret emergency donut in your car in case you get pulled over.
31. Ignore warning labels, they are only there because manufacturers are selfish and want to keep all the fun to themselves.
32. In the memo field for all your checks be sure to write "For smuggling cocaine." The bank tellers will admire your sense of humor and probably send you free money.
33. Use multicolored duct tape, it makes the hostages feel more at home.
34. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling hot water down your throat.
35. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
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