Okay. Fck this. i dont have time to make this pretty.
These past few days...have been the absolute worst days of my life.
So, Thursday, we had our 8th grade field trip to D.C.. Everyone in our middle school, for all three years, looks forward to it. It was supposed to be great. amazing. unforgettable. It was even a few days after my birthday. It was supposed to me my day! My night!
Now, all I can say is... Washington, D.C. ... Beautiful city. Great city. Perfectly good city.
Ruined by terrible memories.
And I'm never ever setting foot inside a Marriott hotel again. Ever. As long as I live... Every time I pass one now, all I'm gonna be able to think of is my friend saying, "please don't ever be like that again. it was scary." And of me hysterically crying and screaming on the bathroom floor, suffocating a pillow, kicking the bathtub, throwing the towels, clutching the pipes under the sink, slamming the toilet lid down, breaking the hotel hairdryer, flinging my friend's eyeliner out of the bathroom. Remembering my other friend, Jessica, hyperventilating as she tried to speak to her parents on the phone. But our reasons were entirely different.
Remembering my best friend, Maya, who knows me best, trying to comfort me, hugging me.
Next thing i remember, the Vice Principal is in our room, demanding the bathroom door to be open.
She made Maya leave.
I felt...naked without my best friend there. I wanted to say, "Let her stay" but my throat was so dry from trying to breathe in between sobs that i couldnt.
I don't wanna go into details about what our conversation was, though, because, actually?
It disgusts me as I look back on it.
For some insanely ridiculous reason, we're not allowed to have our phones out... Which i really don't get. We're not home! Phones are for communication! What if we're talking to our parents?! Admittedly, whenever they took my phone away, I usually was not texting my parents. But it was just as essential. I needed my best friend Gianna's reassurance and comfort... she really gets me, and has been through shitt herself. i didn't want to ruin my friends/roommates' fun. Besides, if i tried to vent out loud, i knew i would probably meltdown again. I know this sounds stupid, but without my phone i felt even more miserable.
Friday night, we arrived home again. And a conversation that makes me sick to the stomach occured. It might not have happened if that teacher hadnt taken my phone away, given it to the Vice Principal, and made me go get it from her. That caused it... That btch vice principal told my dad about my meltdown... I CANT BELIEVE IT. I FELT SO INCREDIBLY ANGRY AND...KINDOF BETRAYED. I STARED DAGGERS AT HER THE WHOLE TIME. RIGHT NOW I HATE NO ONE MORE THAN HER. SHE MADE US ALL CRY. SHE IS SO TERRIBLE. She said something about counsellors and the office on Monday. I can't deal with that. I just can't. I can already imagine it... My teacher getting a call from the office. "Lynne, they want you down at guidance." Me going all rigid. Staring straight ahead, hands in fists. "I'm not going. I'm not." That's what I'll say. I will.
When i got home, I did my best to act happy and tell of all my fun times for my family. Well...my mom and my brother. I've got to give my dad quite a lot of credit. Last year, my best friend's mom read a text i sent her and reported it to the guidance counsellor because she was "afraid for me." And they had to tell my parents. My dad tried to see what i was going through. But I acted. I realize...I'm a much better actress than I thought... And he didn't tell my mom or my brother about it. I am so infinitely thankful for that. And he didn't tell her about this either. Even though I'm quite sure he thinks im a hugeass liar, Thank you so much dad...
Then I took a shower...and things got worse. I just stood there, numb. the water was scalding. I didn't have the energy to turn it down. I tried to think happy thoughts...I did. But the storm in my head drove them all away... I sank to the floor of the shower and hugged my knees and cried and cried and cried. And i did something that night I'm ashamed to say i did.
Next day, (today), my mom said she was going to the mall and I was like, "ehh, what the hell? Nothing like shopping to give the nerves of a miserably sad girl on her period a rest, right?" WRONG.
Theres more but i can't fit in one quote..
ugh. ill just make another one.
i'm crying.
fuckk.
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