who cares how high i fill the bath water when i'm already in over my head i don't remember what it's like to sleep no matter how often i say i am going to bed and dont fŲcking touch me because i'll probably shatter and for god's sake don't ask me what's the matter
GOD FûCKïNG DAMMIT i hate everything why can't i just shut everything out like i used to im getting in too many fights and im losing control of my emotions and i hate it i hate shaking because im trying so hard not to explode why does it have to freaking be like this
And as I've aged the only thing I think that's changed Is the demons went from under my bed TO THE INNER DEPTHS OF MY HEAD I can't escape the ugly things my mind creates I speculate that they'll stay with me to the end
I heard two people talking the other day about concerts. They were saying how they didn't understand why people would go to concerts. "They sound better on the record right? Why would you go listen to them sound like sh/ it when you can just listen to them on the radio?" "You already paid for the album, why are you paying to go listen to them again?" "You're in a mass of sweaty people yelling lyrics so loud you can't hear the band." I don't think either of them have ever been to a concert, or at least one that truely meant something. Concerts are the most beautiful thing that I have ever experienced in my entire life. I will never experience anything better. The whole point of seeing the band live is because they sound different than on the album. If they sounded the same, auto-tuned high notes and perfect guitar solos, it would be boring. Hearing the messed up notes and the worn out voices is what makes it exciting, the singer throwing in different ways to sing it, keeping your attention. Being in a massive pack of other sweaty people that love that band just as much as you, and for that two hours you are all one giant family, yelling so loud because who would want to just stand there? When your favorite song comes on the radio, do you just listen? Or do you sing along? It's the same as at a concert. I love concerts because they are feeling. They are the five or two or three people getting up on a stage and really singing and playing to show that they are more than just a record and that they are real, and they are right in front you. Its hearing the music through your feet into your eyes vibrating your bones. It's about hearing that song actually leaving the singers lips, that song that saved your life, maybe more than once. It's knowing that everyting is worth it. Concerts are having a connection. It's having the singer point it microphone at the crowd and ten thousand people chanting the lyrics back perfectly. It's expressing all the emotions you've felt while listenging to that song alone with ten thousand other people that feel the same. It's feeling different than you did when you were listening to that song alone, it's feeling better, feeling stronger than you were when you were alone, because there are now ten thousand people with you. It's about waiting nine hours outside the door of the arena so you can get the front row, talking to the people behind you, all conected through your love of music. It's getting to the front row and looking over your shoulder and thinking "holy sh/ it, there's ten thousand people behind me, i'm here, i'm doing this." It's the crowd chanting the bands name, the curtain dropping, the earsplitting, ground shaking roar of pure happiness, excitement, adrenaline when you see the people you care about so much appear on stage, that first note pumping through the speakers. Concerts are the most beautiful thing. That's why I would go to a concert, because there is nothing more powerful than ten thousand people showing up to scream their love for something.
"HIGH SCHOOL. This is how to run a stick of Chapstick down the black boxes on your scantron so the grading machine skips the wrong answer. This is how to honor roll. Hell, this is how to National Honor Society. This is being voted "Most Likely to Marry for Money" or "Talks the Most, Says the Least" for senior superlatives. This is stepping around the kids having panic attacks in teh hallway. Thi is being the kid having panic attack in the hallway. This is making the A with purple moons stamped under both eyes. We had to try. This is telling the ACT supervisor that you have ADHD to get extra time. Today, the average high school student has the same anxiety levels as the average 1950's psychiatric patient. We know the Phythagorean theorem by heart, but short-circut when asked "How are you?" We don't know. We don't know. That wasn't on the study guide. We usually know the answer, but rarely know ourselves. " I don't know who wrote this, but I love it.
She was not ready for this. Not able to even conceive of opening her heart to anything or anyone. It was already shattered, and if she took away the shield around it, her heart might simply wither and fall to the ground, like leaves in autumn. She was not ready, but she was terrified also that she might never be.
most people say they're empty but i'm too full full of memories, fears, hope, love, anger i have too much inside myself i have a heart that's getting to heavy to carry around i feel so much i can't have peace
Smost things about me are hard to explain i guess like how i'm mostly delusional and live in a half-imaginary world but i am also a realist to the core i'm just a bunch of contradictions most of the time and i don't like it but i also do
you can shove me into the wall in the stairs, you can call me names, send me annonymous hate, i don't give a f. uck but the second, the SECOND you bring my best friend into this and try to start s. hit about her, especially with what is going on at home with her right now. that is the last freaking straw. if you say one more word to me or to her our about one of us i'm going to confront you and punch your face in. I've had enough.
What happens when I don't have any homework Get to Know Me Uncomfortably Well 1. What is you middle name? Bellerose 2. How old are you? 15 turning 16 soon! 3. What is your birthday? april 10 4. What is your zodiac sign? arieess 5. What is your favorite color? turquoise and black 6. What's your lucky number? i don't really have one, my sports number is six though 7. Do you have any pets? yeah three cats and a dog 8. Where are you from? Massachusetts 9. How tall are you? like 5'7 about 10. What shoe size are you? 9 11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? like two 12. What was your last dream about? ashton irwin lol 13. What talents do you have? drawing, writing, photography 14. Are you psychic in any way? sometimes i get deja vu so duh of course c; 15. Favorite song? i literally have a bajillion 16. Favorite movie? Now you see me 17. Who would be your ideal partner? no clue 18. Do you want children? i kinda want twins 19. Do you want a church wedding? i really don't know at the moment 20. Are you religious? no not really 21. Have you ever been to the hospital? yep 22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? nope 23. Have you ever met any celebrities? I met the winner of Survivor once does that count 24. Baths or showers? showah 25. What color socks are you wearing? black lol surprise there 26. Have you ever been famous? not that i remember 27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? depends i guess 28. What type of music do you like? pop punk/ punk rock/ alternative whatever you wanna call that junk 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? noppee 30. How many pillows do you sleep with? like eight no joke 31. What position do you usually sleep in? on my side 32. How big is your house? not that large 33. What do you typically have for breakfast? leftovers or nothing 34. Have you ever fired a gun? nerf gun 35. Have you ever tried archery? yeppp 36. Favorite clean word? 'dude' 37. Favorite swear word? the f word 38. What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep? 48 hours 39. Do you have any scars? yeah 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? once haha 41. Are you a good liar? little lies yea 42. Are you a good judge of character? i like to think i am 43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? i really don't know 44. Do you have a strong accent? noppe 45. What is your favorite accent? don't really have one, they're all cute 46. What is your personality type? carefree 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? literally nothing i own is over 40 bucks 48. Can you curl your tongue? yep 49. Are you an innie or an outie? inniieeee 50. Left or right handed? right 51. Are you scared of spiders? really big ones 52. Favorite food? pizza \m/ 53. Favorite foreign food? no idea 54. Are you a clean or messy person? CLEAN 55. Most used phrased? "LIKE SERIOUSLY THOUGH I CAN'T EVEN" or "LUKE HEMMINGS" or "PARAMORE DID A THING" 56. Most used word? "dude" or "cool" or "paramore" 57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 5 minutes tops 58. Do you have much of an ego? nah 59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? lolol suck 60. Do you talk to yourself? when i do my homework, helps me think 61. Do you sing to yourself? all the time 62. Are you a good singer? hAHA 63. Biggest Fear? burned/buried alive 64. Are you a gossip? nope 65. Best dramatic movie you've seen? i don't know really what would classify as a dramatic movie 66. Do you like long or short hair? on guys? longer ish. on me? shorter like shoulder length 67. Can you name all 50 states of America? I've honestly not tried 68. Favorite school subject? history and english 69. Extrovert or Introvert? extrovert 70. Have you ever been scuba diving? nope 71. What makes you nervous? tests 72. Are you scared of the dark? nah 73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? if I'm close to them 74. Are you ticklish? wicked 75. Have you ever started a rumor? nope 76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? i was student of the week once in elementary and i got to lead the line to lunch 77. Have you ever drank underage? nope 78. Have you ever done drugs? nope 79. Who was your first real crush? lolol his name was gavin 80. How many piercings do you have? none anymore 81. Can you roll your Rs?" yeah i have to, to speak le french 82. How fast can you type? pretty freaking fast 83. How fast can you run? medium, but if I'm playing soccer and i get mad, pretty freaking fast 84. What color is your hair? idek? its like gold brown blonde 85. What color is your eyes? brown 86. What are you allergic to? cats and dogs, pollen, trees, a bunch of stuff 87. Do you keep a journal? yeah 88. What do your parents do? librarian and teacher 89. Do you like your age? yeah, its like a carefree age really 90. What makes you angry? a lOT of stuff, when people talk behind peoples back, politicians, the world 91. Do you like your own name? i love it 92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? YEAH i love the names delilah, cassandra and juliette 93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? it really doesn't matter but i don't have any guy names yet so eeh 94. What are you strengths? i don't let people get me down 95. What are your weaknesses? i have a hard time being mean and saying no to people 96. How did you get your name? my grandmother died of cancer when my mom was just out of college and her and her sisters decided whoever had the first daughter would name her after their mom and here i am 97. Were your ancestors royalty? lol i wish 98. Do you have any scars? yes i already answered this 99. Color of your bedspread? blue 100. Color of your room? white