Real Life
Part one.
I absentmindedly put my finger into my coffee. To my surprise, it was cold. I frowned. How long had I been daydreaming for? Perhaps 'daydreaming' was not the correct word to use in this context; usually it is associated with people thinking about happy things, and I definetly was not doing that, nor anything of the sort. I was thinking about how much I hated my life. I'm the typical middle class girl, I suppose. I have a roof over my head. I'm getting an iPod Touch for Christmas and I am going on holiday. I have good grades at school. Oh, of course there's nothing wrong with my life on the exterior, but inside me I just wish I could get out. I used to self harm, I cut myself. Ten months ago, I was doing it every night. I stopped that. It has gone down to around once a month. Sometimes I just cannot control myself - I see something sharp and I just have to press it into my skin, but of course I haven't gone deep enough to go to hospital yet... Well, when my school found out I self harmed they asked if I wanted to go to hospital and get my cuts dressed, but I said no. A few months ago they asked me to go to counselling sessions at the same hospital, but again I didn't want to. I didn't want to meet others like me. I didn't want the therapists to look at me with pity in their eyes, or someone to look at me and think 'Why does SHE self harm, there is nothing wrong with her life at all.'
I hate it when people do that. They don't know what my life is like. My family are always arguing and shouting, and mainly the shouting is directed at me. It stresses me out so much that I go upstairs and self harm. Most of the time it is scratches now but like I said, around once a month I cut deep. With a knife. There are people at school who think I am just a weirdo. It's true I suppose... My social life is terrible. Actually, my social life is non-existent. I am not allowed to go out after school. I am not allowed to walk home with my friends. I am not allowed to go out on a weekend. I just hate it.
Probably the worst thing is that I am bisexual, and if my family ever found out they would hate me. People at school know, they know I have a girlfriend but my family can never know. My nana once said to my auntie, and I wouldn't be scared if I didn't know this, if my auntie hadn't told me. She said 'If you are ever a lesbian, I will disown you.' Even though my uncle is gay, she seems to have a problem with lesbians. I myself have not heard her speak against them but now I live in fear of being rejected by my family, or ridiculed by them or others who may find out.
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