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Rajsonkar
posted a quote
July 13, 2013 9:09pm UTC

Teacher to student:
Can you define
a LECTURER?
Student: A LECTURER is a
person who has a
very bad
habit of speaking when
someone is sleeping.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 183 points

hannahhmasurr
posted a quote
August 31, 2012 4:40pm UTC

When the teacher says
"I'm choosing your partner." and you're secretly glad so you don't have to deal with rejection

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1223 points

xxLonelyLoverxx
posted a quote
July 31, 2012 3:05pm UTC

*At home* Me: "I want to go out, I want friends."
*When I go out* Me: "I want to go home, I hate people.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1211 points

xxLonelyLoverxx
posted a quote
August 8, 2012 6:16pm UTC

I don't stalk,
I investigate.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 1217 points

Look_out_a_stalker
posted a quote
August 19, 2012 7:06pm UTC

I'm pretty sure my neighbor thinks im a stalker.
He wrote it on facebook, twitter, his blog
and even in
both of his journals.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1258 points

jimmy365
posted a quote
August 24, 2012 9:40pm UTC

I tripped on my sister's bra
i g u e s s y o u c o u l d s a y i t w a s a b o o b i e t r a p .
oh em gee guise im so funny.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1274 points

ambear24
posted a quote
September 23, 2012 12:55pm UTC

how awkward am i?
last night, my boyfriend and i were cuddling on the couch.
i got cold and rolled up into a ball.
and then i blurt out,
"check it out. i'm an armadillo."

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1360 points

Travis Allred*
posted a quote
July 25, 2012 11:03pm UTC

Dear Music,
I will never be able to thank you enough for always being there for me.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1285 points

aquacrayonxo11
posted a quote
August 12, 2012 7:14pm UTC

Beauty Tip #1
Want whiter teeth?
Step 1: Brush your teeth with regular toothpaste
Step 2: Mash up 1 strawberry in a bowl
Step 3: Add 1 tablespoon og Baking soda in the mixture
Step 4: brush teeth with mixture w/ toothbrush
Step 5: Leave on teeth for 2 minutes
Step 6: Spit out all
Step 7: Brush teeth wirh regular toothpaste and enjoy your white teeth
It works, I tried it with my sister but warning! It taste bad DO NOT SWALLOW.
Series?

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1392 points

yourcool
posted a quote
July 8, 2012 5:18pm UTC

Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today...
That's 10 years in a row now.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1356 points

lozza821
posted a quote
July 22, 2012 12:03am UTC

My parents think I’m the only one who spends all day on the internet.
Little does she know, all of you exist.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1365 points

I_Dont_Know
posted a quote
August 6, 2012 2:05pm UTC

Me in 7th grade: Unattractive, socially awkward loser.
Me now: Unattractive, socially awkward loser with good taste in music.
Woohoo for tumblr

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1389 points

Phoebe*
posted a quote
July 7, 2012 8:07pm UTC

Bully: You're asking for it , do you wanna mouth full of fist ?!
Me: Do you want a butt full of foot ?!
Bully: .....
Dad: Sweetie , you're sister's going away , go say bye !
Me: Pip pip doodly doo !
Dad: .....
Brother: I just got you 1D tickets !
Me: HUG ME BROTHA !!!!!
Brother: ....
Mom: You didn't do the dishes like you told me ?!
Me: Are you calling me a liar ?!
Mom: Well I ain't calling you a truther !
Me: ...this is why I love you.
nmf/
all mine♥

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1415 points

JustAnotherWittyGuy
posted a quote
July 27, 2012 7:10pm UTC

Ugly girls are like unicorns
They don't exist.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1433 points

manhattanight
posted a quote
November 24, 2012 4:24pm UTC

PLOT TWIST
The series finale of iCarly ends with
Miranda Cosgrove waking up
from a coma in a hospital bed,
with Drake and Josh by her side
saying, "Megan?"

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1663 points

Terilyn
posted a quote
August 17, 2012 7:03pm UTC

Me: Mom these are the Vans i want to get. *shows her le vans on my laptop*
My Mom: *grabs the laptop and looks at them* Those are cute! We'll get them this weekend.
My Mom: *starts looking at my other tabs* Look, Alex liked your photo on Facebook!
Me: Yes I know. Can you give me my compu-
My Mom: Oooh! What's Wittyprofiles?
Me: MOM I'M PREGNANT!
My Mom:
Me:
Witty:
Voldemort:
Josh Hutcherson:
Canada:
Me: haha. uh. APRIL FOOL'S.
My Mom: But it's not Apr-
Me: Ha. I know it's not.. Silly Billy. ha. bye mom. i have to go.. wash the cat. Pip Pip Doodley Doo! *grabs the laptop and runs*
My Mom: *yells after me* We don't have cat!
Me: PIP. PIP. DOODLEY. DOO.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1513 points

LandonIsWitty
posted a quote
July 11, 2012 2:07pm UTC

Happy birthday mommy! I got you a mug (:
Thanks! What does it look like?
Well, it says "World's Best Grandma on it".
But I'm not a grandma?
...Surprise..!
HOME, NOW.
not my quote.
not my format.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1483 points

bye*
posted a quote
November 19, 2012 5:32pm UTC

i was in a hospital today and i saw this cute boy with a cast on his leg and my first thought was
hey this one can't run away

👍 this is good · read the comments · 1766 points

ImOnlyATeen
posted a quote
July 23, 2012 7:14pm UTC

me: why are those guys staring at me?
me:is there something on my face?
me:is there something on my shirt?
me:they're probably laughing at how ugly i am.
me:they probably find it amusing how fat i am.
friend:maybe they think you're cute.
me:are you stupid or something?
tumblr.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 2205 points

never_forget
posted a quote
August 2, 2012 7:39pm UTC

**When My Name's In A Math Problem**
Class: *Stares At Me*
Me: That's Right B*tches. I Bought 60 Watermelons.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 2284 points

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