I don't really understand. I've never thought about the things I've thought of now. I thought they were gone. All those bad things from those years ago. I don't understand what is making me feel this way, but when I tell someone about what happens when I feel these things they push me away. I'm yelled at. Threatened. I told you because I needed help not because I wanted you to hate me. I love all of you enough to ask you for help. But, now its been so long and I've built my walls back up. Asking is no longer an option. You won't understand or realize until it's too late. But, I don't want it to be to late. I want you to save me. I want someone to save me so bad and no one will. My walls aren't crumbling they are piling higher and higher. Every thought is horrid. Every memory is soured. No matter what they are, happy memories? Sad? They've all been poisoned. I feel weak. What is this place that makes me feel like I am drowning in hatred? I'm lost. It's a maze. Another memory of happiness seems like a dream. Something that was niave. These thoughts are wicked. I hate them. It makes me hate myself. I asked you for help when I told you what I did when I felt bad for myself. Remember what you all told me? All the things you yelled at me? Do you REMEMBER those words you said to me when I was brave enough to ask you for help? I've kept it a secret ever since. But, its building up. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of making myself feel useless. I know I belong here. I'm here for a reason... I hope. I pray I am here for a reason. I know that I am. I'm here for you. Why can't anyone be there for me? I'm scared to tell you everything. You will call me crazy. I know you will. I'm broken and they've turned me into her. They have officially succeeded. I'm almost tired of fighting. It's a constant struggle that I am tired of fighting for, already! I hide so many things behind a smile. But, I'm done with that. No more smiles. No more fake smiles. No more hiding. No more denying. I don't understand how I was able to hide it so easily for so long. I was trying to shout for help. I've dropped hints. I didn't cover the scars. I've tried to hide them for so long. I'm just done. If no one will help me I don't need it. I can help myself. I can tell myself I am worth something. I don't need your useless words. B, I just wanted to let you know how I feel. You're the one I've tried to hide it from the most. But, I've told you. B, you threatened me when all I wanted was your help. I thought you were ready to hear the truth? I guess not. But, its okay B, I forgive you because I love you and I don't care what anyone says. B, I've told you about how I honestly feel I guess you didn't really think I was being serious? I'm not really sure if you thought I was telling you the truth, but B, every word was real. It was as real as I am living. Every SINGLE word. But its okay B, because you shouldn't be having to deal with this. B, I don't want to leave you. But, its making me sink. I'm trying so hard to pull through the surface and break free. Its not just for you its for me too. B, I've been drowning for 4 years. My lungs can't take it anymore! They are on fire. Lack of oxygen is making my brain go insane its trying to make me take a breath by giving me crazy things to think about. Trying to demand my lungs to take a deep breath and just... let go. B, I can't leave you. Because.... B, you pulled me out for a while. I wasn't numb. I didn't have to fake my smiles around you B, they are real! And you don't understand how amazing that sweet short-lived taste of freedom felt to me. It left me wanting more. I craved it... I still do. No one else made me feel that way, B. No one. I'm so happy I have you, but B, I don't know what happened. Something dragged me back under the waves. You tried to save me... kind've. You weren't really sure how B, its okay. You tried and I forgive you. You're confused I'm sure. You've never had to really deal with this before I mean who has? Besides me... B, I'm drowning again. Please, B, I'm begging you. Help me one more time. I don't know how you pulled me out of the darkness, but you did. B, I know this is a lot to ask of you. I need you to do it one last time. Because if I fall any deeper I will stop swimming. I will sink without a second thought. Its funny because you are still with me, B. I see you everyday you make me feel beautiful. You're always there. ALWAYS. I'm apologising B, because I'm asking so much of you. But, I know you won't mind because you would do ANYTHING for me. You are the reason I'm fighting so hard right now. I'm swimming trapped under the current in a blanket of darkness. But, I can see light. B, you're my light. Every ray of sunshine. B, you are my reason I am battling my inner demons. Battling with and against myself. I'm winning, B. We are fighting side by side. Both a little wounded. But, we carry on. Just you and I, B. I don't care who says this isn't real because we are teens and I understand what they are saying. But, B, if they were standing next to us in the darkness and in the light they would understand that, for now I am living with NO regrets. B, I will NEVER regret you. I'm just sorry you will share my battle scars for now. They will disappear in time. But, for now we share them. Each little line. Every single one I've given myself has been engraved onto you. B, you sparkle next to me. I feel like I shine next to you and for that B, I thank you. I thank you for saving me, B. But, as I've told you before it was short lived. I'm screaming for you. B, Why can't you hear me?! It's muffled and I know you're not ignoring me. I'm screaming louder now. Its salt water though, B, and I don't have much time left! Please B, I'm begging you. ONLY YOU. B, I'm putting you through something so messed up. B, I told you the other day that I was broken from the inside out. B, I have a feeling that you can fix ANYTHING. Even something as messed up as me. B, I'm still fighting for you. I'm winning for now, B. But, its so hard without the battle scars to balance. I stopped doing that for you ya know. When you told me to stop. I did. It's been rough. But, I feel like I can make it. B, you are my reason and I love you. You told me today that you loved me too. So I thank you, B. Because without you I would have stopped swimming in the darkness long ago. I can see your light B. I'm so close. So so close. You made me realize I can't quit now. Not now. I only have a little longer to deal with my burning lungs before they can inhale your scent that I yearn for. I love you, B. I'm fighting every step of the way because of you.
Crzy_Insanity*