I was never one to break down, I was always the controlled a composed one. But that particular week, I was shattered. The struggle to confine the tears and heaving in the middle of the night were torturous. But I could not stop. I never thought I could be so jealous the I'd tear myself apart. But that night I saw my cousin's newborn baby, my stomach churned. Envy. All I saw was green and red. I was upset and they all knew, just not why. I shouldn't feel this way, I have nothing against the baby. I just want one, to hold, love, care for, cherish and fill my heart. It won't be soon though, I'm far from wha my cousins have accomplished. They have graduated with degrees, got a great job, got married and approved by all that matters. And to think one child makes me feel like this, just what happened when I heard another cousin is now pregnant? Green, jealous heart.