Major vent. I miss him, and I wish we'd had a chance.

I want to see you. I'm tired of talking on the phone and texting. I'm tired of having to imagine you here instead of being able to just walk into your arms. I'm at that point where I just don't want to talk at all to anyone. I want you to look into my eyes and just understand. I need to see you. Stupid miles. I miss you. I just need a freaking hug, and I need it from you, because you wouldn't be thrown off if I started crying. You would get it; that's what I love about you. You don't need reasons from me, you just take in what I say and accept it and ask about it, but you never ever judge me. David, just come see me. Please? The music's not the same anymore, the pictures aren't enough, the sweatshirt's wearing thin. I need your arms. I need a minute to just be safe and feel like I'm home. I've realized home might be with you. I don't even know anymore. The only thing I'm sure of is that I want you next to me right now, but I don't want to talk. I can't call you, because I hate that I dissapoint you with my silence but if you could see me, you'd know. You'd know how much is wrong. You'd know what I've done lately. Please, help me. I love you. I miss you. I need you. I want you. I can't do this without you. I'm so alone and I'm scared that I'm pushing you away because I never pick up. I want to hear your voice, but I can't handle keeping up a conversation. My head is so full but so empty at the same time.. do you know what I mean? Of course you do. You're you. I hope your dad lets you come up this summer. I can't stop thinking about you. I need a hug. I need to see your sweet smile and hear that crazy laugh, I want you to play with my hair and give me piggy back rides and make me smile. I want my confidence back. I want that bubbly light-headed, sincerely happy feeling. I want the butterflies and the blushing and the easiness. You brought that out in me, you know. I want to remember all the time we spent together, I want to remember the way it felt when  you offered me your dessert, I want to remember the way you looked at me. I want to catch you staring, I want to tell you that I wish I'd known. I wish "you and I" had become "us." I want to listen to your heartbeat again. I want to sit there and just listen to your voice. I don't care what you talk about. I just miss being around you so badly that it physically hurts. I feel like there are definitely going to be questions at school if any of my friends bother to read this whole thing, so I guess I've gone on long enough.  Yeah, this is some of what goes on in my head.

Love, Carolina