chapter 29:
I woke up, as always, to a silent house.
My phone was still off and my parents weren't home.
They were discussing funeral and wake dates with some stranger.
I laid watching the ceiling again,
waiting for some sorta color to burst onto the dull white walls.
I decided to turn on my phone.
As it turned out, it was slow.
Messages popped up every few seconds.
I had what seemed like a million missed calls,
and I decided to listen to my voicemails.
The first was Adam somewhat happy. "Hey, so I'm really glad
we hung out, hopefully we can do it again. Call me."
Delete.
The second, "Scarlet, it's been hours and you won't talk to me. What's wrong?"
Delete.
Third, "Please call me." This time he sounded sad.
Delete.
I repeatedly hit the delete button for each voicemail.
I felt bad not calling him back.
But I wasn't in the mood to talk.
My head felt heavy, and my eyes felt dark.
Depression took over my body and my emotions.
I didn't know what to do.
Finally, it hit me.
My brother was gone.
And I didn't have anyone else.
Tears swelled in my eyes, and one by one they came rushing down my face.
I started to actually cry, like I had never cried before.
I almost screamed in fear,
in pain,
in sadness.
I grabbed a towel, and walked into the bathroom.
I carefully took of my clothes I still had on from the day before.
I put the shower on, hot, to cover up the tears.
When I got in, it nearly burned my skin, but it was releiving from my heart ache.
I stood inbetween the falling droplets and tears that made a soft chatter
as they bounced off of the bottom of the shower.
It didn't help, the heat started to burn my body painfully.
I just wanted my brother back, that was all I could think of.
I remembered the times we faught, and I wished I could
do it all over again.
I never knew I would lose him.
My cries became louder, and i sat onto the floor 
with my head down in my knees.
"I can't take this!" I said outloud, not meaning to.
When I looked up, trying to calm down,
I saw the razor in the shower.
My body was still dripping and my skin was almost numb from the heated water.
The tears were stopping, and I knew how to stop everything.
I got up, slowly.
I reached for the razor.
I held it tightly in my right hand, holding it by my left.
I twisted my left hand that was in a fist.
My wrist was facing the ceiling.
I slowly braught the razor closer.
I closed in on my wrist,
ready to just get it over with, all the pain.
My mind was taking over me.
Do it.
Don't do it.
You'll feel better.
You'll regret it.
He'll be proud of you.
He'll be hurt.
The razor got closer, and I felt the cold metal touch my skin.
3.
2.
My phone vibrated,
falling off the counter onto the cold tile floor.
I gasped for air,
realizing I was holding my breath.
I dropped the razor,
looking at it almost in disgust and fear.
I glanced at my phone. Adam.
I was turning into who he was.
Unhappy, and unable to be happy.
Finally, my mind came to a realization.
What did I just try to do?