time after time
 part #57
 

he went back to sit in his barstool, and i finished cooking the macaroni and cheese . he sat there and just stared at me. everytime we made eye contact i would just laugh, and my heart would race. why am i doing this to myself? i asked.  i'm just gonna get hurt again.
"here you go." i said, putting the bowl in front of him, and then scooping some out for myself.
"you can go home if you want." he said, and took a bite.
"this is really good." he smiled.
"i know.  and i'm not leaving you all alone." i said. "what kind of person would i be?"
"the good one who cares about their grades?" he asked.
"honestly, there isn't a reason for me to be in school.  i can't play lacrosse, and none of my teachers will miss me."
"and your parents?"
"we're not on good terms." i said, and blinked back tears.
"why not?" he asked.
"my dad wants to move one more time." i said.
"but you're going to college, so why does it matter?"
"they won't pay for my room and board." i said, and put my fork down to wipe my eye.
"and that means?"
"no room and board means i need a job.  no job means no place to live, and that means i have to live with my parents.  it's against my scholarship to work." i said.
"where are they moving?"
"england."
"they can't do that!" he said, shocked.
"welp. they are. i worked so hard for it too." i said, getting emotional.  i didn't mean to but it was just getting to me. "god i hate them. if only.." i said, and stopped my train of thought.
"they wouldn't do this to kara or jason, i mean they have their own apartments.  but not me.  they can't trust me anymore." i said, and he patted his laps.  i walked over and he squeezed me tight.
"if only what?" he asked.
"what?"
"you stopped what you were saying."  he looked at me.  "if only what?" i just looked at him, and i almost heard the click in his head.
"oh."
"i'm sorry. i didn't mean to bring him up, but if he was still here, there wouldn't be an argument if i was going."
"don't worry about it." he said, and kissed my cheek. "he was a huge part of your life. you can't just pretend he was never there."
"i'm moving on, i really am.  there's just a ripple effect." i said, and wiped my eyes.  he then yawned, and i looked at the bags under his eyes.
"tired, aren't we?"
"no i'm fine."
"we can just go watch tv or something." i offered. i got up, and he walked me to his room.  he jumped onto his bed, and then moved over and patted an empty spot for me to lay down.  i layed down, and he wrapped his arm around my waist.  i gripped his large hand with my petite one, and played with his thumb.
"did you and rob, ever, uhmmm.." he said and trailed off. i turned to face him and he was looking at me with a grin tugging on his lips. i laughed, and he chuckled and smiled a wide white toothed grin.
"no, no we didn't." i laughed. "i'm not sure how normal this is going to sound, but after he died, i wished we had, and by chance i could've been pregnant with his kid, i mean something to hold on to .  but he left me with nothing." i said, and he kissed the tear that was falling down my face.
"rachel, i will never leave you.  and that's a promise."
"i will hold you to that, you know." i said.
"i wouldn't expect anything less." he said and kissed me, and i felt the smile break through on both his and my face.