Voldemort:
Let me tell you something about Dumbledore. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first girlfriend Bellatrix who was totally gorgeous but then she moved to Indiana, and Dumbledore was like, weirdly jealous of her. Like, if I would blow him off to hang out with Bellatrix, he’d be like, “Why didn’t you call me back?” And I’d be like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, “Dumbledore, I can’t invite you, because I think you’re a lesbian.” I mean I couldn’t have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? He was a LESBIAN. So then his mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then he dropped out of school because no one would talk to him, and he came back in the fall for high school, all of his hair was cut off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he’s on crack.