HAHAHA THIS Is THE FUNNIEST THING EVERRRRRR!
New Mexico Chili Cook-off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's
no hope for you. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true
this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking
lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile
taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table,
asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges ( Native New
Mexicans ) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted and became Judge #3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm
not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They
had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick..
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste
buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted,
and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should
take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a
bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the
autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.