i could say it twice

1

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My eyes shoot open as soon as my alarm starts beeping. I almost smack the sleep button and roll over, but I know I can't. As much as I don't want to face school again, I also know that I have to use every minute to get ready. I have to look presentable. I have to look good enough. I stumble out of my bed and turn on the water for a shower. When the water is warm enough I jump in and slide the door closed. After soaking up the water for several minutes, I finally begin to get clean. I look down at my naked wet body. I can almost see my feet, now, over the round curve of my belly. I'm about to smile at this acomplishment, but then I remember it's still not good enough, and my smile fades. 

I pat myself off with my towel and flip through the clothes in my closet. Wore that, wore that, wore that, look bad in that, wore that, look bad in that, look bad in that, too ugly, out of style, wore that, too ugly. Ugh. People won't like me if they think I'm fat and poor, I think. My mom always tells me that this isn't true, and that people will like me for me, but I know that's not how any school works. I find a pair of mint colored jeans and pair them with a black and white colorblocked shirt. The skinny jeans, thankfully, aren't too tight and they slide right over my thunder thighs without me breaking a sweat. I loop an XL coordinating tribal belt around my waist, but today I'm able to tighten it one hole. Then since I'm feeling skinnier today, I decide to wear my Toms to make my feet look smaller.

Smaller, skinnier, littler: the three words that everything in my life revolves around. Ever since the bullying became a regular thing and other methods didn't work, I resolved to take away the subject of their teasing the right way: fat. The only thing I've ever been called in my life. Never nice, never chill, never smart, definitely never pretty. Only fat. In the beginning of middle school when kids first started harassing me, I tried excercising and dieting. I wasn't serious enough with it, though, and the bullying continued. It got to the point where for two years - eighth grade and freshman year - I was anorexic. Or, I tried to be. I didn't eat breakfast, or lunch, but I had to eat dinner so my mom wouldn't notice what was going on. I didn't realize that not eating two meals just made me so hungry for dinner that I ate enough to compensate for what I hadn't eaten the rest of the day, so I didn't get any skinnier or lighter. Now, sophomore year, I've healthily lost 38 pounds by running and eating right. But 38 pounds isn't always helpful when you're starting out as a 218 pound girl also growing, and naturally gaining weight because of puberty. 

I finish up my makeup and bounce down the stairs. Then I run back up as fast as I can. Then I run back down. Then back up. Back down. Back up. My mom waits at the bottom, counting for me. When I finish my twenty reps, I drop to the floor and do thirty pushups. This always takes the longest, and it's the one I hate the most. I'm breathing hard by the time I complete them all, but I know not to ask for a break. "Sweating and breathing hard are signs that your body is working which helps burn calories and lose weight," Mom always reprimands me. I flip over and do my fifty sit ups. Then I stand up and stretch. I hate doing this all in my nice clothes and make up, but I'm not so sweaty and red that it ruins everything. My mom hands me a water bottle with my weight loss smoothie in it and a banana. 

"Be safe," she tells me this, like she does every morning.

"I will," I tell her, like I do every morning. 

Then I kiss her and thank her for helping me and start walking the three and a half miles to school - another good calorie burner. That's why I have to get up at four thirty. Shower, hair, clothes, makeup, excercise, and walking three and a half miles takes a long time, and school starts at seven. 

I walk with my shoulders squared, my spine straight, and take big steps the way Mom told me to, because it burns the most calories. 

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sorry that it's so long and boring, but there's a lot of information I have to put out there in order to not have any gaps and holes in this story. :)