Every day I am going to do a vent just to let everything out, so you're basically reading my diary.*


March 6, 2012. 

I didn't make the team. I did not make my high schools softball team. It ment everything to me too. None of my friends made it either, and its basically  because we're freshman. i am now the lead pitcher of my towns travel team but its not the same, at all. That totally crushed me and lowered my self-esteem so much more. I finally admitted to myself today that I have an eating disorder. I do not eat all day, then when i get home from school i stuff my face, then i workout for an hour, then id o it all over again the next day. I really try not to , im just so hungry. My goal is to have a six pack by sumer and loose the thinder thighs but i doubt its going to happen. Today in class this girl that i don't really talk to sat next to me in science and said to me "What's wrong? That smile is so fake and i could tell from a mile away." I almost burst out into tears. I cannot do this anymore, the fake smile is kidding me and apprently its getting easier to see through. I hate my body and the way I look and im not happy at all. I just go tout of a short relationship and i have decided since then that i am going to wait for a guy to find me. the relationship ended about a week and a half ago and it was muttual. Im over it and it really does not phase me any more. but no guy has even been attempting to make a move.. my bestfriend broke up with her boyfriend today and she already has two guys that are ractically in love with her. It's obviously not the guys, its me. I'm sarting to get really upset with me life, and i tempted to starve myself again, but i want to be able to stay strong to play softball.  That's basically it for today i think. 

Thanks for reading, if you even bothered.*