JUST SKIP OVER
Everyone thinks they know me. I walk down the hallways likes i can take anything and will do anything for others. And that is me. One side of me. No one knows that sometimes i just break down and can't take. I act like i dont care when i make a mistake, but it can sometimes eat me alive. After a summer of having a thing with someone who became my best friend, it just ended. I spent all that time convincing others i was happy even though they didnt understand the relationship we had. He was my shelter. And now after an entire summer, we've drifted and have just recently been talking again. But its not the same. I can stil look at him how i did over the summer, but i can never imagine going back. And then theres his friend, whom ive had a thing for for a while now. Again, no one understands it and i keep to myself for the most part about it. We share almost everything and i never feel the need to dress to impress around him. He recently found out i was talking to the other guy again and he acted like he didnt care, but then was really upset with me when he saw me. Yet he acts like were nothing when were around people. But i just know its not just nothing. And this isnt for me to vent about boy drama. Its just no one will understand and i needed to gt it out of my head some how. This summer i also found out about all the nasty things my dad has done. I have four half siblings and they have all been raised by a monster. He would threaten his ex wife all the time and has forced me to hate her. There was a journal found by my sisters from his ex wife about all the terribles things he would do. He has been caught twice in the past couple months with another lady besides my mom. He lies all the time. I got my car taken away for a while, and that day my dad was supposed to be home in 45 minutes to take me to a friends. Two hours passed and he didnt come home. He called my mom to say to let me take the car cause he didnt want to come home. It escalated into a fight and i walked out of my house and just walked until my friends could pick me up. I made it about 3 miles. I didnt get a call from my mom or dad that night and the next morning i was late for work waiting for a ride. This summer though was the best time of my life. As soon as school started, i got back into my swing of sadness. I didnt want to hang out with friends, and when i did i would just sit there in silence feeling like an outcast. The same thing happened this past friday. Ive started cutting and no one notices. its killing me. The amount of times ive said "im just tired" is countless these past few weeks and no one sees through it. As long as they are having fun, im just killing it. This past weekend, i just needed to have fun. I get along a lot better with guys than i do girls. Saturday night, i went to my guy friends house while his brother was home from college. I ended up ditching the guy who ive had a thing for to go to this party. Me and my friend were the only high schoolers there. There was a lot of drinking, but not enough to where i couldnt make smart decisions. That night, i "hooked up" with my friend. Wheni say hook up i dont mean everything. But we decided to keep it a secret. He told his best friend-which i find understandable-but his best friend told pretty much the entire grade. We have a really small grade so it spread pretty quickly and most knew from 6th-8th hour. All though ive gotten over it because i knew what i was doing. The constant jabs at me though just are so much. They arnt making me feel degrading or anything, just giving me a hard time. But they were surrounding at me and i felt like i was having an anxiety attach. I couldnt breathe normal and my heart was pounding. Most were the guys and my friends but it was just a cherry on top of all my emtions that ave built up. And if that other guy finds out, i think he secretly might be crushed. We were kind of each others, knowing one wouldnt do anything with anyone else. Im really smart and involved and i have my stuff together, but thats not how i feel on the inside. I just needed to get this out. Needed some sort of breather.
sweetpickles2