I'm really sleepy, but I have some thoughts to share before I go to bed.
1. I think I'm lonely because I go too fast and look in the wrong place at the wrong time. And because I'm scared of letting people close in case we don't click like we thought we would (like we think we do).
2. I want a pet lizard, but if I get a pet cat as well, will my lizard be safe? I love reptiles. I want a gecko. And a snake. Lots of snakes.
3. I found a word for the squeezing throat and burning corners: touch-starved.
4. I have very, very few friends. And maybe none left in this country.
5. For a very long time, years, I have been the one who writes the heartbreaking stories. When my friends want angst, they come to me. Today, I learned about myself that perhaps I can finally close that chapter. I want more happy stories in my life.
6. I have known some cruel facts for a long time: telling the truths about me = dissowned. And I have long resigned myself (re: tried, failed, struggled) to the idea that I'd never live a full life for it. I am not -- cannot be, not me, not who I am now -- selfish enough to throw away my family for that. But I'm tryhing to look at it in a gentler light. I'm trying to treat myself like I would something I loved, rather than something heavy I have been forced to carry.
7. Nobody really talks to me. Not really. Or at least, very few people; not many people reach out to me. I think they care, but I don't think they care that much. Not enough that it matters how I'm doing if I'm not right in front of them... I would like to change that, somehow.
8. I want my gender to not matter to me.
Okay. Goodnight. xo
nicole🌹*
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