Random Update
In case you all needed one...?
Well okay, where to start.
It's about 11:26 in the evening, and I am just simply not tired. Not at all.
What do I want to do with my life? Write. I am just in one of those moods where I want to share what I am thinking in a pointless, essay.
I just want to tell people what is going on, without them actually reading it.
READ IF YOU DARE!
So basically, I am a senior in highschool now. Yes guys, junior year is tough but it is absolutely possible.
I survived!
Now that brings more responsibilities:
I have to learn to drive.
I have to get a job.
I have to pay for things.
I have to think about college.
I have to grow up.
I don't want to grow up.
What do I want to do with my life you may ask...
Well that's a very good question, and I wish I could answer that.
I have no plan.
I have no idea.
I don't know what I want.
I just do not know.
Help.
I will come back to this topic in a bit.
The next thing I want to mention is Riley.
He is my boyfriend for almost ten months now
(It will be official on Saturday)
And I just feel more and more pressure.
It was really fun at first, just hanging out
doing as we wished
and now there's just stuff to worry about.
Balancing time;
We want to be together, like hanging out with eachother, but there are things that need to be done.
I just find myself stressing, and worrying for approval.
I have a family.
I have friends.
I have to spend time with them.
I just saw my friends last weekend?
Why do I have to wait three months before you find it acceptable to see them again?
I sleep at my house everyday.
How does coming back at 10, and going to bed at 10:30 count as spending time with them?
I have to see them. I have to be with them.
I'm sorry my mom thinks that's what needs to happen and so do I.
I really do like Riley; I love him.
He is the greatest thing that has happened to me.
He takes such good care of me, and he loves me, and his family loves me too.
I just feel the pressures of a relationship.
I'm going to have to talk about college and schooling at some point.
He never went to college.
He graduated and got right into the construction field.
He doesn't understand.
I have to find what is best for me...
maybe it will be the best for us, but probably not.
He and I have different thoughts on what the future will be like.
He wants it to be for us.
I have to find my path,
my place in the world.
I have to be happy with myself, before I can be happy with someone else
You know?
I can be very stubborn.
I stick to my beliefs.
It may seem otherwise, but trust me I will hit you with the truth when the time is right.
If I don't want to do something
there is one thing that happens:
I don't do it.
Easy as that.
I am not entirely sure where this little passage of mine is going, but you don't have to read it.
I just want to write.
That's all.
Just write.
I'm not sleepy or anything.
I just want to write.
About life,
about things,
about things that I just don't know.
I just want to figure things out on my own and with my mom.
I have to do it before I can sit down with Riley and talk to him about where the future will take us.
Do I want to be with him in the future?
Hell Yes!
I just have to do what is right for me first.
Is that wrong...?
Of course I want the best for the both of us,
of course I want both of us to be happy
together.
I just want it to be right.
I don't want to be full of complaints, and I don't want to be a bother.
All I want to do is freeze time, figure everything out, and then live my life on that path.
with the plan that I came up with.
And STICK WITH IT.
No changes.
No different arrangements.
That's it.
A life plan.
I want to know where I'm going,
how I'm getting there,
and who will be there with me.
How is everything going to play out?
I hate the world of the unknown.
Why can't I know?
Why is it a big secret?
WHY?
I just want to know.
I'm done.
You didn't have to read this.
But I thank you if you did!
Comment me, I'm willing to talk.
I want to know your thoughts too, now that you know mine!
<3 Forever,
~Holly~
hollywood11