I'm Scared.
I'm scared about the future and where I'm going. I'm scared to admit that my career choice is one that is not laid out for me - one that doesn't have a set path for me to walk down. That is absolutely terrifying. To know that going to University or College or programs are not going to benefit me like they would my other peers with separate interests. Knowing that half of what I want to do is heavily reliant on luck and the basis of being at the right place at the right time. Graduating does not certify me a position on the screen or the stage. Acquiring an agent will not grant me my wishes. Persistence in the craft will only cause me heartache when I realize that I've been shot down multiple times for acting roles. I will question my skill. I will question my ability to act. I will question myself when I look in the mirror and ask my reflection what the hell it’s doing with its life. I’ll become corrupt with doubt. I’ll grow worried with honesty and fearful of my decisions. It’s already happening…and it will continue to happen until I'm happy with myself and my choices. And that could take years. But I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful for what I love. I place a great deal of trust in myself to truck forward through all this turmoil and engross myself in that euphoric feeling I achieve every once and awhile. When I've become satisfied with life. That’s a rare thing. Something that I think everybody needs to cherish. Because when it’s gone, you thrash about…angered in rage and animosity, questioning your ability to be happy. That’s not very fun. You’ll be hit. Punctured and wounded…cut so deeply that you don’t know if you’re still alive. If you still feel something.
But these are just thoughts. Distant dreams that drown us in contemplation and suffocate us with their silence. They’re all we have left half of the time, and it seems like we’re all just floating in imagination. Stuck in that own personal rapture. And it’s something that we…or perhaps I can’t escape. So maybe we can build our dreams out here in reality. Form a structure - a platform for our visions to walk upon. University is supposed to be that step but we formulate doubts. It’s these doubts that should makes us want to overcome our worries. When we’re feeling hopeless, we should only become enraged at the sight of displeasure. It forces us to want to prove that we can do this, or that we are able to accomplish that. It’s a drive. And I'm really hoping people take up the wheel when their doubtful thoughts consume them. Because passion is missing from this world. What puts a smile on our face? We’re pushing away what we love out of pain and hurt, dissatisfaction or simple care. We’re losing sight of what makes us happy.
I want people to do what they love even if it hurts. No matter the doubt, live a life with a grin. It’s too short to look and question. I want everyone to proceed with a purpose. It pains me deeply when I recognize that there are people around me that are doing things that don’t make them happy. Something that makes their friends happy or their parents happy. Live your own life. I don’t want to see other people influenced. I want people to experience that personal drive into darkness and not knowing where the road will take you. That is the thrill of life.
And it's quickly disappearing.
f o r m a t j i m m y 3 6 5
demonic790