erm ok where do i begin...
dont bother reading this btw i just need to let some things out so you realy don't need to read it.
okay so ive been trying to convince myself that Im fine for a very long time. Wearing a smile on my face for my entire life. My friends and family think that I'm literally the happiest person they've ever met. They've never really seen me that sad or mad and just think my life is so perfect and easy. Ya that's a funny story. The problem is that my happy cover up is starting to fade and people are starting to notice. Just the other day two of my friends asked me what was wrong and refused to believe me when I laughed and told them I was fine. Someone I met 3 months ago even noticed that there was something wrong with me. The part thats killing me though is that he saw right through me. He basically sat there and told me everything I was feeling. It felt awful. I felt exposed. I just started crying in front of him and lets get this straight I NEVER cry EVER. Yet with tears rolling down my cheeks I still managed to keep a smile on my face even though I knew I wasn't fooling anyone. I have never felt so terrrible. There was no way I could hide myself anymore. I kept telling him I was really fine and that I was sorry for crying in front of him like that and he just started to get mad at me. He was mad at me for hating myself. Just like WTF? Why do you even care about me? You hardly know me! He just thinks I hate my looks which I do but there's so much more on top of that. No one knows how much I actually hate myself. I would have killed myself by now if it weren't for my friends and family. Me killing myself could just mess with their lives so much and I would never want to hurt them. I don't deserve people like them. I deserve to be dead. I'm just such an awful person. I'm fat, ugly, selfish, insensitive, weak, two faced, self centered, weak, obese,stupid, extremely stupid, judgemental, hypocritical, annoying, undeserving, manipulative, and just an overall botch. I lie way too often and I honestly just suck. I suck a lot. I need to learn to suck it up though. I need to learn to be a better person because my life is so easy and I'm the one f ucking it up. I feel like no matter how hard I try I will NEVER be good enough though. I'm just so confused about everything. I just don't know anymore. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know who to trust, who to believe anymore. I can't trust my friends because they would just lie straight to my face and be like "we love you, you're beautiful" and just feed me the line that people always get. Everyone would say that. Everyone would lie to me. It seems like the only people who I can trust anymore are the people who just hate me to the point where they aren't afraid to tell me the truth, that I am ugly, that I am self centered, that I am stupid. I just don't seem to know which way is up anymore. The only things that I know anymore are that I hate every single thing about myself and that I don't know anything else that's going on with my life.
If you actually read this and feel the need to comment please don't. I really don't feel like being fed more lies. You don't know me but if you did you would probably hate me too so just dont bother.
Daydreambeliever