CarnageIsChaos's Favorites

CarnageIsChaos

MoonAngel
posted a quote
February 17, 2013 4:40am UTC

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to smoke some marijuana.
Jack got high, pulled down
his fly, and asked Jill if She
wanna. Jill said yes and
dropped her dress and had
a little fun. But stupid Jill
forgot the pill and now they
have a son.
Omg I literally died laughing.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 31 points

larryshipperxx
posted a quote
February 17, 2013 12:55pm UTC

Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 30 points

posted a quote
January 1, 1970 12:00am UTC

This quote does not exist.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 32 points

BlueEyedNobody
posted a quote
February 16, 2013 5:38pm UTC

I was so bored today, that I spent an hour trying to figure out how mermaids pee.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 68 points

jimmy365
posted a quote
February 17, 2013 9:58am UTC

I’m the type of
person who
looks at the menu for
five minutes but
ends up
ordering the same
exact thing
every time
f o r m a t j i m m y 3 6 5

👍 this is good · read the comments · 465 points

KATZ101
posted a quote
September 7, 2011 4:13pm UTC

act like a
lady,
think like a
BOSS.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 2133 points

LacedRibbon
posted a quote
November 21, 2012 5:23pm UTC

Me watching Dora:
*Dora Theme Song plays*
Me: D-D-D-D-D-DORA
Me: D-D-D-D-D-DORA
Me: DORA DORA DORA THE EXPLORAAA.
Me: VAMINOS!
Me: SWIPA NO SWIPING! SWIPA NO SWIPING!
Swiper: *Snaps* AW MAAAN.
Me: YOU CAN LEAD THE WA-AY. HEY! HEY!
Dora: Oh no! My friends are in trouble they can't push the boat. We have to help them!
Me: Lolno. You have to help them.
Dora: We have to say empuje!
Me: Don't tell me what I have to say.
Dora: Can you say empuje?
Me: WHY CAN'T WE JUST SAY "PULL" IN ENGLISH?
Dora: Say it! Say empuje!
Me: Don't tell me what to do you passive agressive b/tch! I don't like you!
Dora: Good!
Me: WAT.
Dora: Okay! Now, I need the map!
Me: Good to know.
Dora: Say map!
Me: Map.
Dora: Louder!
Me: F*CKING MAP YOU HEARD ME THE FIRST TIME.
Map: If there's a place you got to go!
Map: I am the one you need to know!
Map: I'm the Map! I'm the Map! I'm the Map!
Me: You're the what? Sorry, didn't get that.
Map: If there's a place you got to get!
Map: I can get you there I bet!
Map: I'm the Map! I'm the Map! I'm the Map!
Me: Oh my god.
Map: I'm the Map! I'm the Map! I'm the Map!
Me: OKAY.
Map: I'm the Map! I'm the Map! I'm the Map!
Me: YOU LOOK LIKE A SOFT TACO.
Map: I'm the Map! I'm the Map! I'M THE MAP!
Me: Oh really? I thought you were a F*CKING CHAIR.
Map: Okay! Tell Dora you need to go over the bridge!
Me: Ok.
Map: Through the woods!
Me: Sounds a little dangerous for a 5 year old.
Map: AND THEN YOU GET TO GRANDMA'S HOUSE!
Me: WHY IS HER GRANDMA'S HOUSE SO DAMN DIFFICULT TO GET TO?!
Dora: Where did Map say we have to go?
Me: Over the bridge and through the woods.
Dora: Over the bridge and through the woods?
Me: B*TCH, YES.
Dora: OKAY!
*At the bridge*
Dora: Where's the bridge?
Me: OMFG I KNOW YOU SEE THAT DAMN BRIDGE RIGHT IN BACK OF YOU.
*Magical Cursor Clicks the Bridge*
Me: WHERE THE F*CK DID THAT COME FROM?
Dora: Let's go across the bridge!
Me: Okay...
Swiper: *Takes one of the steps on the bridge*
Me: WAT. THA. FACK.
Swiper: *Snickers*
Dora: OH NO! SWIPER TOOK ONE OF THE STEPS ON THE BRIDGE!
Me: ORLY? BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE GAVE YOU A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS
Dora: Quick! Say SWIPER NO SWIPING!
Me: SWIPER, GIVE THE DAMN STEP BACK. WE JUST WANT TO CROSS THE BRIDGE. GTFO.
Swiper: *Snaps* AW MAN.
Swiper: *Puts step back*
Dora: Now let's cross the bridge!
Me: ...............
*At the woods*
Dora: Where's the woods?
Me: ARE YOU BLIND.
*Magical Cursor Again*
Boots: It's over there, Dora!
Me: Atleast you're smart.
Boots: But Dora, I'm scared of the dark woods.
Me: OMFG, BOOTS.
Me: STOP BEING A LITTLE B*TCH MONKEY.
Me: APE UP.
Dora: It's okay boots. My backpack has a flashlight!
Me: Ughhhhhh.
Dora: Can YOU help?
Me: HELP YOUR DAMN SELF!
Dora: Say BACKPACK!
Me: *Rolls eyes*
Backpack: Backpack, Backpack!
Backpack: Backpack, Backpack!
Me: Wtf r u a Pokemon
Backpack: I'm the Backpack!
Me: No sh*t.
Backpack: Loaded up with things and knick knacks too.
Backpack: Anything that you might need I got inside for you!
Me: I need an Advil.
Backpack: Backpack, Backpack!
Me: No.
Backpack: BACKPACK, BACKPACK! YEAH.
Me:
Backpack: What does Dora need?
Me: A flashlight for Boots the scared little b*tch monkey.
Backpack: Okay!
Backpack: *Lets out tape, a screwdriver, and a flashlight*
Me: Wtf.
Backpack: Where's the flashlight?
Me: ....RIGHT THERE.
*Magical cursor clicks the screwdriver*
Me: NO WTF THAT'S NOT A FLASHLIGHT.
Backpack: That's not a flashlight!
Me: ORLY.
*Magical cursor clicks flashlight*
Backpack: THAT'S IT! GIVE THE FLASHLIGHT TO DORA!
Me: Oh God.
Backpack: OM NOM NOM NOM NOM DELICIOSO!
Me: Why did you eat tape and a screwdriver?
Me: That's gonna hurt when you take a mighty backpack sh*t.
Dora: Do you have the flashlight?
Me: Yes.
Dora: GREAT! NOW WE CAN GO THROUGH THE WOODS!
Boots: AND I WON'T BE SCARED.
Me: I HOPE A WILD BEAR KILLS YOU BOTH.
*Finally at Grandma's house*
Dora: !Lo hicimos! We did it!
Me: You just said the same thing twice.
Dora: YAYYY
Me: ...
Dora: What was your favorite part?
Me: ...Well.. I have to say I enjoyed the part where--
Dora: I LIKED THAT PART TOO!
Me: B*TCH I DIDN'T FINISH.
Me: F*CK THIS. I'M NEVER WATCHING DORA AGAIN.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 812 points

yourcool
posted a quote
October 24, 2012 6:21pm UTC

i am a genius by birth,
and a slacker by choice.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 307 points

TaraWuzAlwaysHere
posted a quote
October 27, 2012 9:28pm UTC

Broken condom style!
Aye! It's a baby!

👍 this is good · read the comments · 340 points

LolSoTrueQuotes
posted a quote
October 28, 2012 3:40pm UTC

Lol So True: #201
Talking about how annoying the kids in the grade below you are, but convincing yourself you never acted like that last year.
lolsotrue.com

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 338 points

itsamadworld
posted a quote
October 28, 2012 6:32pm UTC

I’m just waiting for the kidz bop cover of gangnam style.
HEYYYYYYYYYYY HAPPY BIRTHDAY

👍 this is good · read the comments · 488 points

JustMeh
posted a quote
October 27, 2012 8:44am UTC

click to see this quote

👍 this is good · read the comments · 346 points

Hale_Storm18
posted a quote
October 26, 2012 8:17pm UTC

Teacher: From all this talking, I assume you're done.
Me: From all this complaining, I assume you're single.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 334 points

yourcool
posted a quote
October 24, 2012 6:08pm UTC

i would never go bungee jumping.
a broken rubber brought me into this world, and it's not going to take me out.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 363 points

posted a quote
January 1, 1970 12:00am UTC

This quote does not exist.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 400 points

ilovepenguins46
posted a quote
October 26, 2012 8:27pm UTC

That moment whenever
you pour a bowl of cereal, then realize theres no milk. So you just
sit there, staring, and wondering why bad things happen to good people.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 417 points

yourcool
posted a quote
October 22, 2012 7:18pm UTC

if a telemarketer ever calls,
hand the phone to a 3 year old and tell them it's Santa.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 429 points

yourcool
posted a quote
October 24, 2012 6:41pm UTC

when i get home from anywhere,
the first thing i look for is food.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 463 points

randi*
posted a quote
October 22, 2012 6:22pm UTC

me at the store with skinny jeans, a cute shirt, converse, makeup & hair done nice: old people and unnatractive guys
me at the store in old pajamas and old shoes with hair in a bun & no makeup: hot guy, hot guy, hot guy, and oh, would you look at that, someone from school

👍 this is good · read the comments · 448 points

posted a quote
January 1, 1970 12:00am UTC

This quote does not exist.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 463 points

Witty Profiles

CarnageIsChaos