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I walked away, trying to be brave. Until I heard that baby start to cry behind me. I turned around. She was walking over, her face scrunched up and her blue eyes filled with tears. Her tiny arms stretched out, trying to reach me. She disappeared as the doors close. My eyes filled with tears.

The doctor led me to the operating room. I felt sick to my stomach.

“Okay dear, sit down,” the woman stated.

I stood there, my seat cemented to the ground.

“Honey, I know you’re worried, but…”

I stood there. I slowly shook my head. “No,” I whispered.

“No? No what?” she questioned.

“No,” I said again. It seemed I had lost my mind.

No. No. No.

No.

I wasn’t killing my baby.

I apologized, and then left her standing there. I knew I was probably making a mistake. But at that moment, I didn’t care. I felt like me again.

And I wasn’t leaving my baby.

I walked out the double doors. Arianna looked up, her eyebrows raised.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about it.