.....
I can't say it has been easy learning to live
without you. But I can say I have made real progress.
I can talk about your death without crying. I can look people in
the eye and tell them how you died. And now I finally feel like I
can be honest with myself.
I've come to terms with the fact that I will never see you
again. I used to look for you everywhere, hoping that you were
watching over me and sending me signs. But I don't need you
to linger anymore. I am finally at ease with your passing.
It pains me to amit that I think about you more now than I did
when you were alive. I stare into your negative space and fear
that one day I will go 24 hours without pausing to remember you.
As the sound of your voice grows more distance, leaving parts of
you behind seems inevitable.
Selfishly, one of the worst realizations is that you are only the
first of the big losses I will face in my life. It's not just
our grandparents who look older these days and our parents no
longer seem as invincible as they once did. I've also
realized that you might not be the only friend who dies young or
unexpectedly. And as cliche as it sounds, I've lost my sense
of adolescent immortality. I know it could just as easily be
me.
While it is frightening to think of what comes next, somehow, in
your own way, you've prepared me for it. I think it would
make you, the eternal optimist that you were, happy to know that
your friendship keeps making me a better, stronger person. You
showed me that I can function in the face of tragedy. You taught
me the vocabulary of grief so I can comfort others when they need
it. I never would have asked for it to be this way, but if this
is what I can take from it, I will.
So, friend, that's all I have to share for now. I'll
raise a glass for you and as always, I'll keep you in my
thoughts.
.....
